rainbow in construction

london and work

2010-03-31T00:14:00.002+08:00

things have been in a mess lately. i think i have been focusing too little on work, with the resulting mess. i am planning for a business trip (from scratch) with a month to go, but half of that month will be spent holidaying in london. really well done. i will probably still have to check my emails while holidaying, just so i don't die when i am back.

to add salt to the wound - my bonus letter will be distributed in the week that i am in london. excellent, really excellent. the only way i will be able to guess how well i have performed is through the size of my e-payslip, which frankly will be as illuminating as me plucking an alphabet from air.

but of course there are other things, other distractions. and things are very complicated. it is during times like these when i wonder if i am a principled person, because what principles i claim to have seem to be rapidly cast to the corner of my mind when situations change. and this is greatly unsettling.

taiwanese dramas and jerry yan...

2010-03-08T23:57:00.002+08:00

the problem with watching taiwanese dramas is that they make you have really warped notions of what guys do. inevitably, the female lead ends up liking the male lead first, before the male lead realises how much he has fallen for her, and starts to do all those crazy sweet things for her.

in this series that i am watching, it is already heartwrenching that the eye candy of choice is jerry yan. then, they create a scene in which jerry yan looks into the female lead's eyes and professes his feelings for her, and how it must be love. i am sure that is any female's dream come true. and have him buy freshly popped popcorn, and even buy wrapped candy for her...

sigh.

s(leaze) factor

2009-04-25T22:52:00.002+08:00

straits times did a feature on this new channel 5 show called s factor. basically it is a search for a good looking girl, apparently with brains too, that guys want. top prize is a cover shot on fhm.

this show is honestly addictive. the amount of bitching that goes on in the show is really entertaining. it's like, once girls are told they are in a competition, the amount of bad-mouthing is unbelievable! but seriously what makes the show entertaining are the girls themselves.

first off, with all due respect to them and editing, they appear not so smart. i cringed when they were playing dog & bone, and the host shouted "24-22!" AND NO ONE MOVED. they took so long to figure out the answer.

but seriously, i nearly died when one of the girls used a funnel the wrong way round. actually let me rewind. they labelled the bottles using their scientific names. and provided a periodic table. piece of cake you'd have thought. but none of the 8 girls got to the elusive NaCO3 right at the first time. i thought it was bad enough, then said girl filled the bottle using a funnel the wrong way round. SERIOUSLY. how she got any powder in just defeats me.

then they got the girls to debate. ok. i have to write a complaint to channel 5. in one episode, they tarnished my top 2 favourite things in school - chemistry, and debates. the topic was, "what is more important - intelligence or attractiveness" or something like that. AND THEY GOT EX NATIONAL DEBATERS TO JUDGE. cue sigh. you can imagine how catty it turned out.

yet i can't wait for episode 4. i think deep inside i like to think that the age old adage is being confirmed. (ooohhhh bitchy!!!)

reaquaintance

2009-02-22T14:23:00.002+08:00

i have been through a lot these past few days. very exhausted. like now, when i am looking through sleep-deprived puffy eyes.

and i feel like blogging, to talk things out. but it is hard and painful.

and i know escapism is harmful, but i just want to blot it all out. never knew i could think of drinking with as much desire as i do now. alas have work so can't actually drink.

even work is hard. reading the same paragraph over and over and over again. i shouldn't whine. i have the solution ready, i just am unwilling to implement it. it is called ignore. oh fine art.

i want to sleep well every night again, and i don't want to have to be forced to go through this because of another's stupidity. i feel it unfair. what to do, blame my taste and choice again i guess. my lack of foresight and my complacency.

i wish i didn't know, but this is really just words of anger and frustration. i know deep down i would hate it even more if i didn't know. i need time, i need space, and most of all, i need to actually be able to make a choice. how hard can that be?

update update

2008-12-19T01:13:00.002+08:00

finally have the time to update after finishing some work. the brain refuses to stop working see, even though the eyes are incredibly tired.

people often ask me, so how's work so far? to be fair and honest, i think it is going on well thus far, and it is challenging, as with all jobs, but there are many pluses. for instance, it is a really good time to be working for the government now! no but seriously, the job scope is sufficiently challenging, and while there are peaks where we work late, it is not something that one forms into a chronic habit, so there is still quite good work-life balance. there is good exposure. and i think i have no basis of comparison, and being the optimistic person that i am i still think this is "good". yup so that summarises my answer to the burning question that people ask.

how's my life now? um, view above. haha, my life's degenerated into work & taekwondo and phone calls. oh and i shouldn't forget running. (i am very upset about my half marathon timing, but it's ok. this just means i have to run faster and stronger for the adidas sundown marathon). i am so glad to be doing taekwondo again since this really is my first sporting love, more than running. it really trains your mind, flexibility and endurance. and the learning never ends. i look at my sir and wonder if i will ever attain his level of proficiency in tkd. (at 50+, he can still do a split. i find that mighty impressive.)

but my life should get better! it's december after all, so many people are on leave and work slows down a little. plus plus plus, the boy is coming back tomorrow (about 12 hours in fact) so i am very pleased. so my quality of life will improve greatly. hurhur. not trying to be romantic as my colleagues reminded me i should get a gift for him to show my appreciation. however knowing his interests, i might go bankrupt first before i get what he REALLY wants (a ferrari, btw) to me, between a toy version, a fake version, and some exquisite egg tarts from red star, the choice is very clear.

ok i am rattling on and on now, time for bed. boss is still checking emails! argh.

shopping therapy

2008-11-22T18:26:00.002+08:00

after attending my colleague's solemnisation ceremony at marriott, i decided to treat myself to orchard. i haven't spent much time on orchard shopping. and i realised why.

in the span of say, an hour and a half, i bought four tops, one skirt and one dress. so i thought i had better flee orchard before i spent more of my hard-earned money (i can say that without feeling guilty now.) and came home to bad news, that my pay will probably be cut. ah well. let's hope the cut will not be too severe.

work has been hectic, as usual. the boss thinks i am very stretchable, so i guess this means more late nights in future. not an issue i think, at least for the next two years. it's always a little queer, when something improves, some other part of your life is probably going haywire. i feel that now, quite strongly so.

but in the end, i am still better than my ancestors. my destiny remains in my hands, who i am in future, what i do, etc remain more or less within my control. sorry if this is all very cryptic, but i think i shouldn't always dwell on the past - the past is not the future. i have just finished reading dreams of my father, and boy can he write (it's a really long book.) but there's still contradiction, in the sense that you can never really run away from your past. so, we remain in this recursive cycle of forgiving, forgetting, and then drudging up the past. a very tiring cycle.

i need some sort of escape, and so clothes shopping is indeed very therapeutic. i think i will go for a nice long run tomorrow, nothing like the sweet scent of morning to clear my mind and put me in a better mood. perhaps followed by taekwondo. let me tire myself out for a while, do mindless things, so i sleep well at night.

paris marathon here i come!

2008-11-09T16:56:00.002+08:00

Everytime I do a long run - that is, a half marathon, I tell myself I will never, ever join a marathon. In fact, I recall telling Diane a few years back that she should stop me if I should ever decide to participate in a marathon.

So, how have I found myself in a situation where I have registered for a marathon, one in Paris no less? I blame it on the boyfriend. His ambitions have become mine, and so I will hopefully be able to run my maiden marathon in Paris, jet lag and all. To be honest I can't complain. It's a stunning place, I start at Champs-Elysées, and hopefully end in one piece down Avenue Foch. The route looks intimidating though, transversing the length of Paris. I set myself a semi-ambitious target to finish within 4 hours, and I sincerely hope I can. For one thing, I will have to start setting aside more time for running. Already I am burning quite a lot of my weekends, and now I think I will have precious little time for sleep. But again I shouldn't complain. Let me finish the race first, then complain about the effort.

Work wise, things have been hectic. Thus far, I think I may be considered to be hardworking, but hard work alone isn't enough to get a job done well. So that is my next step. I had a rather interesting interview writeup, and I think I come across as effusive if slightly dumb. Well, another thing to add onto the lengthy to-do list. Buy a thesaurus.

first update in two months

2008-10-19T19:00:00.002+08:00

i have been putting off updating for a while - as most of you will know, i am officially a tax payer i.e. not a parasite to society. and i reasoned, since i have to spend more than 8 hours a day online, i don't particularly want to go online. (having said that i just spent $300 on forever 21 - sheepish look- the irony was that this was triggered because of a straits times article on saving money.)

so how's work, most people will ask. i normally start off by saying it's fine (just like how a lot of things are fine - not bad, not particularly good either) but then qualify it by saying that it is very different from studying. it is, for one, there is no longer the luxury of long vacations, which also means getting up at 7am every weekday for perhaps the rest of my life. but actually, the more i work, the more i get used to it, and perhaps gratefully the more i appreciate what i am doing. not only do i have the fortune of having a job during this trying time, i also have a job that gives me a lot of exposure, and something that i feel i can genuinely get satisfaction for. as cliched as this sounds, it does matter to me that i am working for something more than myself or the company - in my case, perhaps what i am doing will hopefully benefit singapore in some little way.

it is tiring though, getting up to go to work at about 7am, and only coming home at about 8-9pm (and i count myself lucky). of course some of it is self inflicted, when i get up early to go to the gym, or spend my weekends taekwondo-ing - and i should start my half marathon training in a while. that does add to the tiredness, but also i think i am becoming more lazy. after a whole day of staying focused, my mind wants to wander and do something that doesn't need much brain power, so i read a lot of magazines, or watch tv to relax.

and truly, i understand why they say, "thank god it is friday". lest i make work sound horrible, it truly is not, but requires adjustment. just as there are downs there are also ups (and now i like to say, it's not the fact that counts, but how you perceive it, as well as craft a story out of it). financial independence is great, finally being able to return to my parents instead of bleeding them dry, but it also means that i spend more freely.

oh dear i need to go tkd time! will continue later.

2008-08-13T00:32:00.002+08:00

a light hearted post for a change?

spent the past 2 weeks clearing up the house. did the bulk of the painting in my (and now, my brother's and my) room, and it is now a cheery blue. gosh i never knew that painting could be such back breaking hard work. i am just glad the bulk of it is over - i now have nice new furniture, and even have nice new bedsheets to go along with the entire room. i've been forced to be very homey because of this - i think i have vacuumed the floor more times than i have left the house (and that's saying something), and i am ironing in my spare time. happy days, i know.

ooh have to share this before i forget. i love to procrastinate, yes. anyway the next time someone complains about that i have a witty comeback! after all, procrastination is the best labour saving device! (hahahah - i really like this one. so witty.)

wisdom tooth operation was a lot less painful and troublesome than i thought it would be - by the end of day 3 i was happily munching on an apple. would have ran if i could, but the bf objected very much. ah well. teaches me that there's nothing to fear, really, but fear itself! (cliche but true!)

ahhh and speaking of the bf today he told me that i should delete my blog because apparently, at edb, hr officers surf and find blogs prior to employment or awarding of scholarships. well i think that's fair game, after all it's probably a good place where one tends to be more frank and honest. in any case, i am not taking his advice and will continue blogging. after all, freedom of speech and all that - and you surely can't deny me that, especially since i hardly talk about singaporean politics, right! (better check to see if that is a constitutionally enshrined right. i suggest not, actually) anyway on the subject of singaporean politics, abiel and i were having yet another one of those heated arguments about it, sparked off by a recent ST article titled "why they hate singapore". abiel agrees with much of the sentiment expressed in the article, i beg to differ, but i think for different reasons. i shan't digress, but the point of me sharing this is because in the end, abiel's dad said something which i thought made a lot of sense. he said that he looks at the policies proposed, the plans and the direction that the contending parties vision for singapore, and look at which plans have/will hurt or benefit him. he then decides whether an opposition voice is necessary.

now that made a lot of sense to me. abiel says i am very radical, and perhaps i am. it gave me pause to think that a system with adequate checks and balances, and an adequate feedback mechanism might actually not require a strong or vocal opposition to represent the people. it certainly made me silent at that time as i pondered the wisdom, or rather my assumptions. i have always assumed that an opposition was necessary, end of story, but in the end i realise i do oppose the government just for the sake of it, and then other reasons come into play. i don't think that's a bad way to function, but it does mean that in arguments i may be more emotional, and in any case i had better bolster up my case in future instead of relying solely on appeal.

supposed to be a light hearted entry. shucks. met my realllllllyyy keeeewwt nephew over the weekend, he's such a darling! he was really sleepy when he came, so he just looked at everyone with watery big eyes and a dazed expression. shooo kewt, can't stand (literally!) hehe. will post photos once i get to.

oh, work starts next week, please sms if any of you will like to meet up before then!

potpourri

2008-07-26T00:33:00.002+08:00

been caught up with random little things these past few days. more driving lessons, where i honked at someone for the very first time. my dad was amused. he said "aiyoh so dui lian to be horned by an L-plate". i couldn't help but agree. visit to the dentist, and forewarned about 2 weeks of agony, can't wait. caught the dark knight, and found my favourite character to be the joker, but only because i knew batman would always win somehow.

back at home, time seems to have stood still. my room is still in the mess that i left it three years ago, the bedsheets dusty, books strewn all over. i was so excited when my father mentioned sprucing up the room a little, which in effect means a massive project of packing, throwing, painting, purchasing, building, arranging and remodeling. the trip to ikea really helped formulate some ideas, and i do hope my brother and i have a funky room to share by the end of this week. in any case, even my relationship with my brother seems to have stood still. i am still the sister who does not nag, the sister who prods him to say his ps and qs, the very indulging sister, but i seem to be much more keen for my brother to grow up. alas he is no longer the obedient (abiel might say, subservient) brother, and he seems even quieter than before.

i went to my grandmother's house after prayer. it looked the same. i snuck a quick peek into her room, and her cupboards were all gone. only a large double bed left desolate in the room, as if no one was willing to throw it away, as if this bed was the last thing we have to remember her by. i went to her urn, i shed nary a tear. my grandfather's was beside hers, yet really and honestly most of my feelings were reserved for her and her alone. before, i was shushed by my mother, as i sobbed desperately in her shoulder, you can't be like that, how else can you see her urn? but i didn't want to, i just couldn't really help it. lin jun jie has a song, 会有那么一天, that my cousin's friend sang. well, i was supposed to sing it with him, but as fortune would have it, i had this verse

夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看着爷爷湿透的眼
握着他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天
我们牵着手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

i lasted 4 lines. hiding my face in the cushion i realise that aijia was next to me, heaving softly and aiwei kept touching her cheek. the song rang true, only i don't have the fortune of hearing her speak again.

and seeing my other grandmother again came as a shock to me. she was so frail, so child-like. she lost so much weight, yet i was told, she had actually gained weight. i dare not think of the pain that she had to endure when i was not around. i was happy to see her, but it was the grit-your-teeth sort of happy, because i wondered where on earth i was when she was most ill and needed me most. she has a wheelchair now, gosh my grandma who used to go everywhere and lug heavy things back, she has a wheelchair. i ask when we got it, and she said it was my grandmother's. i am taken aback, very worried, and seriously i hope my grandma has much, much longer. i am back, for good, now, and i daren't leave for too long again lest something else happens. this time though i daren't think of what might happen. you see, i am a coward. i dare not face up to the pain of grief, and pain of losing someone you love, and someone so dear. i look at my mum now and marvel at her calmness as she held me, afterall i bit back my tears throughout because i kept thinking, my uncles and aunties have lost their mother, what right have i to cry if they don't? i wonder if i will have the courage to deal with matters as forthrightly and calmly when my turn comes, when i say goodbye, finally, to my own parents, and to my grandmother.

it is a depressing entry, i know, and i have made myself depressed typing this as well. finished tuesdays with morrie, it hasn't helped very much, though my aunt's words did. and i agree, at least she went peacefully, and she is no longer in pain.

life in uk was very carefree and independent, i agree, but in the end all this comes at a price. some things in life can be paused, left untouched just the way it was when you left it, some others, well. when i said goodbye to singapore i didn't think it was a whole set of relationships that i would leave behind, naively thinking that so as long as the bf was around things will be ok. they were, they were more than ok, but in the end, no couple is an island, and in the end, i think, family and friends together really do complete the picture.

i will try and make amends. you guys will help, won't you? :)

the future

2008-07-17T22:59:00.002+08:00

looks, well, fine. not great, but fine. unfortunately my grades were less than ideal, which means that IE will not 1) sponsor my masters nor 2) allow to me to go on private finance. well, no point crying over split milk, time to look forward to what i can do about this rather messy situation.

well, i am going to start working soon, though when exactly i do not know. right now i am still planning outings with my cousins, planning to spend lots of time with abiel and just enjoy the few months we have together before he flies again. really i guess my true regret is not realising the gravity of the situation when i was studying, but truth be told i think that if this is the best i can do, then so be it. i can't try harder for studying anymore, but i think i can try harder when it comes to work.

i do hope they post me to a division which i can handle though.

i don't really have much to say at the moment. i guess it's the independence, the friendship, and the company that i will dearly miss. but i will find some way to make sure that i don't lose all that, and don't lose my soul in the process of work work work.

not an uplifting entry, but rest assured i am fine. :)

photos soon!

exams are over!

2008-06-07T17:00:00.007+08:00

with this, i realise, my time at oxford is really coming to a close. it's hard not to miss this place, especially with the blazing sun streaming into my room now, and puffs of daffodils floating outside my window.

no more late nights rushing essays. no more tea and biscuits during tutorials. no more sub fusc (well, except during graduation) and definitely no more excessive drinking back in singapore. (to be fair, i have been extremely restrained in uk. i hardly ever drink, and i think the absolute most i had in one night was 4 drinks - 2 champagnes, 1 red, 1 white, spread out in the same number of hours.) no more late night jaunts around, and clubbing whenever i want to. going back to singapore sometimes feels like i am losing my independence, as i go back to home. not that i don't miss home, mind. just that i am not free to do a lot of things that i'd like/want/fancy doing, even on a whim.

so, photos, weiquan kor.

right, need to go off for a walk round botanic gardens, bye!

that's my man!

2008-06-03T04:32:00.003+08:00

i have watched this in a longer installment of the clinton obama fight (starwars ii), but i still love this nonetheless.

and of course, for the music accompaniment.

can i be any more pro obama right now?

2008-05-24T09:04:00.003+08:00

我发现了新爱-周杰伦。我从没想过他如此有天分- 自奏，自写，自唱。的却很棒。而且，我发觉，样貌长得好不好看多数是照形。朋友说我的弟弟长得有点像小时的周杰伦，我看还差得远了。不过还是有一点点像吧，咪咪眼的，鼻子蛮尖的。他的 mtv 超酷，很有独特风格。我特别喜欢他的中国风，尤其是那些回顾过去的 mtv.

其实，我有很多想说的话，不过真是心有（华语能）力不足。刚听了他的“青花瓷”，又看了歌词，发现我很多字不懂，就算找到了意思还是不懂他到底唱的是什么。我看考完试后我又要埋头苦读了，这次不同在于我时时刻刻的被评定，而且要不要读全在于我。我从新加坡带来的唐诗宋词都还没读呢！咳呀，我真是个懒人。

godless liberals

2008-05-20T21:51:00.005+08:00

ah, yes, it's going to be one of those posts again.

so, i think zk and i will readily admit that we are godless liberals. yeah, zk is especially worked up now abt prof thio (i know this is super late. but this is triggered by something else. it's due to the the article i sent him about some pastor from US comparing McCain to Jesus.) ah well, i am a lot less worked up than he is, partly because i skipped most of what (very distasteful and demeaning) things she said. surprisingly for a professed liberal, i have no real reverence for science and scientific facts, so i am not too bothered by her distortions. i tend to think that things can be construed as subjective fact, oxymoronic as that might sound.

but anyway, godless liberals. yes i was thinking how worrying it is that private morality is increasingly becoming public morality, and how morality is increasingly taking a religious undertone. it's the classic worry about the state encroaching on the private sphere - so in that respect, poor bill, and in more ways than one. but i digress. i do think that on issues on private morality the state should not interfere, but that's not understanding the whole issue. the whole point is that the distinction between private and public is eroding, because what one can tolerate the other cannot. issues like abortion we always cite in political theory tutes as issues in which there are fundamentally different views on life that simply cannot be reconciled. a state that has provisions for abortion seems, to critics, to simply be anathema, and vice versa. even if the state has no provisions, so it's neither legal nor illegal, some hardliners (on both sides) will want action to be taken. liberal neutrality is just a smokescreen - the real support is for the status quo.

i don't really think this is a fair assessment of the liberal position though. now, i won't go so far to say that liberalism is the only value, or that it is the value (i am a lot more egalitarian than i am liberal) but i do think that if you agree that there is intrinsic value in the ability to frame, design and carry out one's conception of the good life, and if it important for yourself, then it is inherently inconsistent not to extend the same respect to others. which is why i found thio li ann's position so intriguing. as an academic she publishes papers on human rights and all that, so how is it that some people are less than others? how is that consistent?

while we are at that topic, is it possible for there to be a thoroughgoing god-fearing/god-loving liberal? i think it's logically possible, but then i suspect i might be open to the accusation that i don't understand what religion really means.

actually i am thinking about my own views on things now. i wonder if they are consistent at all. i think after exams, i will have a good think. need to reconcile pornography with feminism (if possible), egalitarianism and liberalism, and of course, at the end of it, with the fine city i live in.

exams, exams

2008-05-19T15:53:00.002+08:00

ah, i am now in my lovely sub fusc, with a white carnation proudly pinned on. the outfit is black, and white, and white, and black. the white is quite fitting, to be honest. i feel so nervous, my first proper exam in 2 years, and perhaps one of the most important and hardest written exams i have to take in my life.

it's macroeconomics today. my tutor prepped us so well for this, i will feel extremely guilty if i do not do well. last night i had slight panic attacks, what if the topics i prepare don't come up, etc etc. but no, must banish such thoughts from my mind.

i should reset my countdown timer, to 3rd june. and dream of beautiful new york, germany and morocco.

right, time to go now. wish me luck!

my dream dress.

2008-05-17T07:24:00.001+08:00

2008-05-03T20:51:00.002+08:00

i am not a fan of crying in front of my mother, or airing the family's dirty laundry in public. especially when it is about my grandma. what right do i have to cry before somene who's lost her mother?

but i was so angry. i was angry, and upset. for the injustice that has been committed to my mother, to my grandmother. i have always said i am a liberal yes, that people can go do everything they jolly want to do. but i realised being a liberal has its limits. like i will not risk condemning, yes condemning the lack of filial piety. there's nothing special about that value, i used it to think that it's something that came naturally, as naturally as the need to pee and eat, the ability to you know, feel, but well i guess even on this i am far too naive. there's no guarantee that children you love, brought up and sacrificed something for will repay that love. of course you may not have expected it - it was truly altruistic in the full sense of the word. but that's part of the beauty of family isn't it?

anyway, i was god pissed off because i felt that my mother was accused for something she did not deliberately do, and in any case the subsequent reaction was not her fault. it was moral condemnation by others, that's what. it's people agreeing that what was done was unbelievable, incredible, and perhaps even heartless. she was so calm while i boiled with rage, forswearing ties.

i had said before that i will do whatever i like, and i was so close to forswearing ties, stopping only because i did not want to upset my late grandma. but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to me. respect for seniors can only go so far - and for me respect has to be earned. well my respect's well and truly gone, and in any case i feel disdain, contempt and anger. i hope my grandma did not know, did not grieve in her final days.

ah ma, will you understand?

there will be no photo

2008-04-24T02:12:00.003+08:00

it's just too painful, seeing a photo of you. it was a glorious smile indeed. and even now i feel the emotions well up inside me, my nose feeling all queer as i read my cousins' blogs and read their eulogies. i skip your photo. it's far too fresh.

i am half afraid that once my exam ends, my belated mourning will then begin. and persist. and intensify once i reach singapore and go to bedok temple. i am not sure how i will handle this. i can't clearly remember the last time i saw you, only that it seems like a life ago. if only.

2008-04-13T03:50:00.001+08:00

i will miss you.

the private nature of grief

2008-04-10T09:06:00.003+08:00

i have never dreaded routine calls home so much. simple questions - the painful sensitivity of simple questions, have you been able to get through to your grandma?

today i received even more bad news. not the worst news, no, not death, but on the cusp of. i don't know which is worse, the waiting, the thinking that you could do something - perhaps hop on the next flight home, to see the soft familiar face fitfully asleep, unable to eat or drink or even acknowledge you're there.

i finally get through to my grandma's house. she is still asleep. the family has gathered around, the daughters and sons have taken their leaves, dutiful, always around, so subdued, so quiet, so sensitive.relatives are flying in. i spoke to my uncle today, usually exuberant, but today he spoke so quietly i thought i woke them up from sleep. he said, a little strained, guarded, that she was not in much pain, because she was sleeping. my godmother said the same too. the d word was never spoken, as if to say it were to make it a reality.

it is hard. i want to shout that it's unfair, it's so unfair that i may not get a chance to see her again. grief is very private, it is hard to grieve in company - you fear setting off this unassailable chain reaction, the fear of making a bad thing worse. but grief is uncontrollable, as i struggle for words to my godma and uncle, i just simply don't know what to say, and said just that. i trip over my words, measure my breathing, trying to keep it all in.

yet when you're grieving, you want someone who knows exactly what you are going through, what you feel, someone whose sobbing shoulders you can sob into. and this is why, ultimately, i know my mum, my uncles and aunties, they will all be fine. for me, i seem to have to be content with standing in front of an urn to pay my respects. i struggle to type now, as i think, i see my grandma smiling back at me, smiling from her picture on the plaque.

running running as fast as we can

2008-04-04T06:44:00.002+08:00

i haven't ran a proper race in nearly 2 years. the last one i did was a half marathon in 2006, and that was pretty shit to be honest.

today i forced myself to do a long run (ok not that long, an hour long) and i was quite happy i could do it. for the first time i made myself speed up in the middle of the run too, something which i never do because i'm afraid of crashing out at the end and falling off the treadmill. i was quite happy that i could do that, and still had mindpower left to spare to force myself to race the last few minutes.

of course my legs are suffering now, but that's beyond the point. i really want to focus my running on some goal again, something that i can give myself a pat in the back for and say, that was good wasn't it?

so, i think i've made my mind up to do 5km training, with the aim of finishing it in 20mins. it's on a treadmill, so not that spectacular, but still i'll be very happy if i can do that. i suddenly realized that means running 2.4km in less than 10mins though. which i have never done. oh dear.

i have till the end of april (when my gym membership ends) to get this sorted. ah, i think it's to the gym tomorrow again, for an attempt at a speedy 2.4km. sigh. starting to wonder if this pat is worth it. lol.

cringeworthy photos

2008-03-28T09:08:00.003+08:00

i know, i know, i am hardly a candidate to be bitching about photos, especially since the ones i take are particularly poor, and i look horrible in photos (worse than usual, if that was a possibility).

but today i saw a really cringeworthy photo on facebook. it was so cringeworthy, i actually gagged involuntarily. i am a huge fan of smiling on the camera - a sweet, serene smile (pun unintended, though serene has a beautiful smile), or even a wide cheeky grin - but not acting cute. at this point jerald will say, but they learn from the master! well, i don't act cute in photos, and this photo was neither here nor there. it was an attempt to act cute and cool at the same time.

i have to stop bitching one day. especially when i see how unflattering my own photos can be. there's one of me smirking, oh horror of all horrors, and i have double chins in many photos. so i ought to be more forgiving. but, as i will keep protesting, and bitching, because i'm in that mood today, at least i wasn't trying to act cute. or cool. or both.

btw belle de jour's blog is actually very interesting.

不一样的我

2008-03-15T21:01:00.003+08:00

自从中学毕业后，我似乎忘了自己的文化背景。

其实，我应该骄傲，我知道我所拥有的，很多人也一样期望。可是，我还不满足。这么多年忘了自己是谁- 英语是我的第一语言，不过华语也是呀！

我是个华人。这是我避不开的事实。我也不想这样，每当用华语时总是吞吞吐吐，结结巴巴的。虽然我还非常喜欢听华语歌曲，不过我有时候已经不能了解歌词了。的确很失败。

我一直在想，如果走了不同的路，会是怎么样呢？如果真到中国进修，华语一定不会如此糟蹋。我很想出外公干，特别是去中国。不过，男朋友一定不肯。他总说，我不是“chinese”，对啊，我也没说你是，你是华人，不是中国人。你看，英文能分辨吗？我有时觉得与他的相差多过共同点。就像现在，我相信他应该不会了解我在说什么。

现在爱听这首歌-特别是歌词:

林俊杰-不懂

这爱情路究竟带我们到什么地方
是要持续仍旧珍惜
还是回到原地
如今此刻的我
的确是有一点疲倦

somebody save me....

2008-03-12T21:12:00.002+08:00

So, I am in desperate need of some help. I never thought it'd come to this, but I was actually excited surfing the Treasury's website, looking at the range of reports available for me to devour, gleefully absorbing very geeky fun facts like the UK household debt being 109% that of GDP - even higher than that for the US, at 100%.

The point when I realised I truly had a problem was when I caught myself thinking "Gosh this is how you will be spending your Sundays in future, 10 years down the road, poring through the Singapore government's website, wondering what on earth the government's doing." And then worrying about where to find such information, and if they had reports as nice as the ones the Treasury had.

I think the million dollar question is if I will become an economist once I've gone through my six years with IE. And I think the answer is, should I become one, the economy of Singapore will be in very, very poor shape indeed. So pray that my interest in economics extends only to whether I think the economy will go into a recession soon, and hedging my bets on the stock market (which of course as we all know exhibit irrational behaviour, etc etc. And of course, it's often not predicting a change that's very difficult, it's predicting the extent of it - and therefore the extent of your gains and losses.)

Lastly, I've got offers from LSE and King's, both of which I am incredibly pleased with. I have my tutors to thank for what must have been brilliant referrals - I was quite adamant I wouldn't have gotten any offers at all with my appalling Prelims grades. Now it's off to try to get the elusive first.

Oh speaking of Finals I've got something quite funny to add. My politics tutor was trying to expose the sham that was Finals, in a bid to get us to understand that, really, it made no difference to your life whatsoever. (However, cue counterexample, i.e. me). And in any case this was the key take-away: Finals are a sham, and scribble (because the examiner might think he's read something that you haven't intended - giving you the benefit of the doubt).

Nice.

oh the things i never thought i'd do

2008-03-05T12:33:00.003+08:00

Well it's Super Tuesday II, so this means round 2 of staying up till 4am - frantically refreshing pages and reading who won what.

Till now I am quite amazed by how the Democrat presidential nominations have captivated me. I am truly and seriously interested in policies that will not have a direct impact on me. perhaps it's the final coming of age, when I realise that I can now vote. Of course whether or not I get to is an entirely different issue, but I have the potential, slight as it is, to make a difference.

Reading these reports have really given me an insight as to media bias. Clearly there are pro-Obama and pro-Clinton papers. Some herald a (I am still hurting) big win for Clinton in Ohio. Well, considering the fact that Ohio was hers to lose, and I would go as far as to call it Clinton county, I am not sure if her win is that unexpected, though I certainly grant that it breaks Obama's winning streak thus far. I don't know. I don't like the re-jigging of goal posts. Not too long back Bill Clinton said that she needed to win both Texas and Ohio for her nomination to be credible. Right now she seems happy with Ohio alone. Of course if she wins both she will herald her victory, and perhaps call it a change of momentum. I wonder.

In any case, ZK and I were talking about this today, and in particular in reference to Israel, or the lack of clarity with regards to the intentions of both candidates. I find the following link here very interesting. In particular, I am surprised to see a 1.5 and not 1 for issues regarding Obama's Muslim father, as well as the links to Muslims. For a panel of 8, this means that someone, well at least one person must have agreed to the statement that the fact that his father is Muslim is problematic. Which I honestly and sincerely think to be entirely irrelevant to his candidacy, ans speaks of a very narrow, extremely myopic view. To be fair though, this ranks the least of all their concerns, but I would have thought it would not have been a concern at all. What matters most, it seems, is Obama's lack of experience in the Middle East, which is fair enough.

I think the fact that he is willing to open negotiations is a step forward - even with Iran. I'd say, if not negotiations, then what else? The current impasse that dogs the Middle East? If the mere fact of opening up negotiations alone is seen as backing down, or a loss of face, then I think the prospects of some sort of compromise, or peace if you like, is extremely dim. As I hope the war in Iraq and Vietnam has amply shown, war may not always be the right solution, especially since it is not the only one.

Well, here's hoping Obama polls well in Texas and makes a comeback in Ohio. The latter is not impossible, even given Hillary's comfortable lead (about 16% I think), given that the densely populated cities have not returned their vote counts, and that their demographics favour Obama. We will see, eh?

obama v clinton

2008-02-27T16:07:00.004+08:00

2 posts in a day? well i never! but honestly though, i had to do work and so got up early.

then i got detracted by my current obsession. the US presidential campaign, specifically the democrat nominations. i am so obsessed, on the night after super Tuesday i was online, clicking f5 desperately on bbc, trying to see who won. btw i am an obama girl, which is surprising to me, to be honest.

but that's besides the point for now. in line with my obsessive behaviour, i checked on the outcome of the cleveland debates, widely hailed as clinton's last chance of fighting back. i was extremely interested in knowing who won (i have found a copy of the transcript, which i will read slowly after my work's done. i have some priorities after all) so i checked out a large number of news reports on the debates. you know, so to get papers that were pro-obama and pro-clinton.

well, the quick answer is no one won, i guess. it's all quite a fine line, i doubt anyone will want to proclaim that either party won, thus giving the other party momentum, especially since the media has been portrayed as being pro-obama.

but anyway what really made me blog was this. it was quite easy to tell which papers are pro-obama, which are pro-clinton. all i can say is, one particular pro-clinton paper chose to focus on what seems like an extremely trivial issue to me - that hillary clinton had to go first for much of this debate. it actually wrote a whole article here

now, this is really quibbling now isn't it? what about the damn issues, those which have already been flogged to death?

PS: obama is so anti-NAFTA i am a little worried that mccain is going to turn out more liberal than him. which will be well amusing in the run-up to the actual event. not!

random thoughts

2008-02-27T11:35:00.003+08:00

firstly, i think one of the world's best looking couples is nicholas tse and cecilia cheung. seriously. the bad boy, droolicious nic and the bad girl cecilia? how can one make a better match?

i am quite sure much of the asian, female world gave a collective sigh when news of his marriage broke.

i am also quite sure most of the asian, male world is deliriously happy with cecilia's pictures. i must say, she is incredibly hot, perhaps even more so sans makeup.

secondly, entries at 3.44am tend to be trash.

thirdly, does anyone else other than me keep up with gossip? like the scandalous pictures? they make for entertaining reading this time of the night, and especially so when i have 3 pieces of work due!

the cleanest, most minimal template i could find

2008-02-18T09:51:00.003+08:00

so, welcome back, titles. finally you're being displayed again.

but alas, choosing a template has proved so difficult for me that I am not going to be able to update the template for some time. bear with me please, as I start to add blog links back again.

2008-02-08T09:16:00.000+08:00

I MISS SINGAPORE!

IE has finally paid me, and I transferred some money to my dad with my nifty dbs thingy. And at the webpage I saw advertisements for singaporean food, gifts and spa pampering (SG$38 anyone?) and all I can say is, I really miss Singapore. That prompted a google search for singapore - i read all recent news about my country, and believe it or not I read through the entire Wikitravel article on singapore, which incidently is very good. I have watched most of the videos on straits times online, including the one on chinese new year.

Now I miss it more than ever. Strange, given that I read the straits times every day without fail, and in the past week have been talking to my parents almost every day.

I've been out of Singapore since September, so it's been about 6 months now. That's not too long. But somehow I am dreaming of the heat, not even minding the humidity, just to be able to walk out in flip flips, sans jacket. I am dreaming of good quality , cheap hawker food, and the feeling of security late at night. I miss the malls which open till late, which for all my familiarity feel like an entirely different world now. There is something inexplicable about the wave of comfort I feel when I think of Singapore, but when I search hard for memories, I can only conjure up precious little. Not detailed enough for me to close my eyes and imagine, if just for a while, how living in Singapore felt like.

I wonder if I will ever feel the same about England.

2008-01-31T07:21:00.000+08:00

i've been reading a lot about tun dr. mahathir's comments, especially about badawi. i can only say, though i am indifferent about politics in malaysia, what mahathir is saying does not reflect well on him, nor the country, contrary to what he thinks.

first, he wails that badawi is giving in to singapore, because he has agreed not to build a bridge but keep the causeway. now for all the benefits that building the bridge will give to malaysia, i am not convinced that it will give the malaysian port industry the upper hand compared to singapore. sure, port klang managed to snag evergreen, a big shipping firm, and that is no doubt a blow to psa. but honestly have you ever asked why people choose to use singapore, despite the higher fees? i suggest a few things - good connectivity and efficiency, all of which are crucial in any business plan. see when i see empty shelves in supermarkets, especially of goods i want to buy, i think of bad logistics management. time is money. especially when you are dealing with physical goods. i am in no way suggesting that port klang is inefficient or lacks extra connectivity, especially since i have not been there before, but i am saying, off the top of my head this is what singapore is probably best at. so hit us where it really hurts.

(and frankly. a bridge? do you know how bleedingly expensive it will be? yes you do. that is why you want us to pay for it. and of course when we said we wouldn't you floated the ridiculous half-bridge idea. actually ridiculous is an understatement)

secondly, you tell the press that your successor, your hand-picked successor, is not doing a good job. he is putting indian dissidents in jail and has contributed little to the country overall, so you claim. now i disagree with the treatment of indians in malaysia, but this is a pot calling a kettle black. seriously. you yourself ruled malaysia with an iron fist, the reason why people don't want to bring it up is because of respect for your long tenure. do not tarnish that image. plus, after what happened with anwar (who i must admit i found very persuasive) isn't this successor bashing a little tired?

thirdly, you say he is not doing a good job for malaysia. let's not forget the context of the situation here. you are not comparing like with like. first off i can think of the oil price rises, which only recently dipped below US$100 - a massive amount. faced with supply shocks in a still industrializing country, how will you propose to manage the country better? second i can think of other problems, such as terrorism and malaysia's need to tread carefully, to be a good intermediary. in fact i think badawai is not doing too bad a job, at least he hasn't got the US pissed off by some statement he made which was not warranted.

you know what takes the last straw? the article i read today about the gentleman's agreement between him and badawi. basically he said that he chose badawi because he is older, and the understanding is that after he has served his term he should give way for najib. seriously i think this is the worse thing he has said. it is wrong on so many levels. firstly for someone who is no longer in the government, he is trying to advise on succession, which i think for a country without a system like the US is a matter for the political party to decide, and not the civilian. secondly, to suggest that a gentleman's agreement existed, at the level of PMship, suggests politicking of the worse kind. so basically, only his opinion counts. and further how is age the only relevant criteria in assessing a leader's capability? note that mahathir himself resigned only when he was 78. clearly he thought that age has little bearing on an individual's capabilities.

if you want to comment, at least do it explicitly, like what mm lee did. now i am in no way a supporter of his (another understatement, again), but at least he made his stand explicit. he was going to remain in the government even after he resigned, he wasn't going to be content with criticising from afar,and he made that crystal clear (legitimate, too). that i respect.

ahh. but this is politics, surely. i am glad i will never be a politician.

2008-01-24T23:07:00.000+08:00

i have natasha bedingfield's unwritten on playback on my itunes (oh yes i have gone to the other side) but as i was happily bobbing on my gym ball this thought popped in my mind..

"feel the rain on your skin..." she sings. i think "well, i have no choice. i am in england."

hurhur.

i am quite proud of myself. i have actually begun buying music! to be fair this is still quite an alien concept but at least i only pay for songs i want. though at 79p a pop it's still not cheap. i was just reading the other day about how we pay a lot more than the US and EU customers. wouldn't it be nice to download songs in US i wonder, 99cents (only). after all i really don't need cds nowadays. i bought one (yes amazing isn't it) - the killers - and after transferring the tracks to my laptop the disk is now rotting at home.

i wonder if there's some cd recycling scheme?

oh, and does anyone have any running songs to recommend? i googled running tracks, only to turn up results for the physical kind. of course, my little brain didn't think of the other more obvious alternative before googling. half an hour later i did the same thing. i really do need to get my brain to work huh.

2008-01-16T23:40:00.001+08:00

Ah, it seems like I only like to blog when I am in the library with a looming dateline to boot.

My book, opened to the page on Newbury about missing markets, is not too bad, rather interesting actually. But not as interesting as surfing the internet, in particular reading blogs. Whenever I read one, I invariably want to read the blogs of many others. It just happens. So I've read the blogs of my jc and secondary school classmates, reveling the knowledge of their lives and new found loves, realising that I don't and I mean literally don't keep in contact with any of them anymore. And you can't count reading their blogs as a substitute, like Andre said, if you cared enough you'd talk somehow, and not be a voyeur.

There are a lot of things I wished I had done, one of them perhaps is not to have lost touch with any of them. In some ways, I hate being in a relationship - it's stifling, you spend all your time with an individual and of course are immensely happy, but at the same time you have so little time for your friends - through your own choice. Sometimes I wish I could reverse my decisions and be in a relationship later: seriously you can always find someone for you, but your friends are meant to be for life.

So now I am left with the feeling that I am a horrible friend. Even now in uni I don't really care to make new friends; precedent tells me I will hardly keep any. I struggle to spend time with people I really care about, and MSN is hardly any substitute either. Sometimes you ask yourself if the balm of being in a relationship, of always having someone to talk to, is illusory and harmful, simply because you end up pushing away other people who care about you too.

I miss my time in secondary school, I had fun then, made lots of good friends and was just me. Even then I got chained down far too early. Seriously, 13 or 14? Not a good idea by any stretch of imagination. I do sometimes wish with a fervour that I could go back and reverse all these decisions and tell myself to realistically and honestly assess what I am giving up for something that is as fleeting as a relationship. And anyway half the fun of being in a relationship is in the chase really.

But then I stop, because I am afraid of the butterfly effect. What I basically want is to take away all the bad parts, but leave the good parts, especially how I made some of my friends in JC. Zk you know what I am talking about. And of course in the end I still want to meet Abiel. But then of course that will probably not happen, I am who I am today because of the choices I made, rightly or wrongly so.

Sigh. I miss my friends.

2008-01-09T08:08:00.000+08:00

i have a "phat" baby nephew! so abiel calls him. well he is fat. very very fat. i've only just seen photos of him, and this perhaps provides some perspective.

no prizes for guessing which he is. i bought a really cute top for him that said, "chicks dig me" but it's for 6-9month old babies, and looking at his three-month old frame now i think he can't wear it. oh well. it's on its way to singapore now anyway, too late that i saw his photos. my goodness honestly. if i had a baby this size i don't know what i'd do! (his birth weight btw is >4.5kg) but he does look cute. i have pictures of my cousins carrying him, and you can see her muscle definition quite clearly.

well here is another thing i have missed. i missed 21st birthdays, wedding dinners x 2 and now an addition to the family. it sometimes makes me wonder if it's worth it. one of my cousins, who has always been pretty, has now blossomed to become really really pretty. in fact make that two. i can't say i am surprised, i suppose i just wasn't expecting it all to happen when i am not around.

and now IE has come back to me to say that they have approved my masters application. now this is vague, simply because i don't know if they've essentially signed a carte blanche for me to do my masters, or if i still have to get a first. (nigh on impossible if i don't start revising soon!) but this provides motivation. i was glad to hear my parents happy to hear the news - my dad even said it's better than him winning the lottery, which seriously, given what he dreams about doing with lottery money, means a great deal to me. it makes me glad that they don't mind me studying abroad for another year, but in a way i was looking forward to going home, finally. it's been very long. but there are too many buts for me to want to leave by this year - abiel is here, my friends are here, and i really want to start my career on an equal footing with my friends, so we can gripe about the same things and all. as it is, i will be the first among my cousins who are about my age to start working, and i don't want to run out of things to do or say to them.

abiel said i should get an interest. you know i always thought i had a lot of them, but aside from exercise i don't actually have any. not exactly reading unless these are frivolous magazines, and i don't think you can call that an interest. perhaps its archeology or cosmology, but these are so impractical that i've weened myself off books on this a long time ago. travel. perhaps, yes. but i think it's got to do with my love of glossy pictured books, just like how i love cookery books (though i seldom read them! they make my tummy ache in hunger :S the pains of not having a kitchen) hm.

i don't really want to be those people who live their lives in others', you know what i mean? i can see myself living my life for my children and husband, and that is scary. where will i be then?

2007-12-11T01:45:00.000+08:00

Boo! I am still alive!

(Sorry I couldn't resist)

I am well, and very good. A quick update on my term thus far: surprise trip to Milan with Abiel - and everyone knew except him, haha! a good trip, i thought very relaxing, though far too expensive. I don't think it's very representative of Italy though, and so I think I might bring my parents to Rome when they come for my graduation. Rome in summer. Yum. (but crowded though, hm)

Anyway I have maroon 5 playing on my itunes now. I actually bought their tracks! Why the sudden change you might ask? Because

MAROON 5 IN CONCERT! they were fabulous. they sound everything like on cd, even better in fact. it was a great concert - not much flash (save the lovely very cool strobe lights in the background) but pure substance. i don't really think they worked the crowd very much, but the music more than made up for it. we had standing tickets and were lucky enough to be in the front section and saw Adam literally 2 metres away. He is awfully cute. And of course, sings very well.

Anyway I shouldn't gloat. But it really made me think of one of the big pluses of being in UK - you tend to get bigger acts here than at home. And West End is amazing. I watched Avenue Q the day after, and it is stomach-achingly funny. Mind you I hate crude and crass humour, and even though at some parts it was crude and extremely crass (puppets having sex, anyone? and a cookie monster lookalike singing a song about how internet was all about porn. and how porn was the only stable investment in a volatile market) it was really funny. The singing was fantastic, the whole show was really well put together, and it really does appeal to both the young and the old. It made me feel like I was a 10 yr old kid again, except perhaps I won't bring any 10yr old to the show. But fantastic. Definitely worth the price (25 pounds for stall seats)

Oh and since this post isn't funny at all, TMX Elmo can supply all the laughter.

And - this is the deal maker,

Hope you liked it as much as I did!

2007-10-06T03:14:00.000+08:00

so i haven't updated for a while. heh, sorry. i tend not to blog when i am busy, ie when i am doing something that might be more interesting to read for all of you than my usual whining about things in general. so what i have done thus far? nothing much, after the end of my internship i left for beijing with my dad and uncle, which was lovely. i do like beijing very much - somehow i feel like i belong there, in a strange way. i don't know how to describe it, except that seeing the glorious red and blue ming architecture, the sculptured rock gardens and the whole history - it's just awe-inspiring. and i compare that with the castles i have seen in europe - not that many to be fair, just prague castle, versaille and all - and i think i truly understand now why they say beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. two very different styles of architecture, two different forms of imposing majesty, and two very different cultures.

i loved the time i spent with my dad and my uncle too. my dad's surprisingly more adventurous than i expected, which was nice. we bumbled around beijing on our own (i didn't do that much shopping) and we even dared to try the little roadside stalls (proper stalls, not those rickshaw type). let's just say, the meal was dirt cheap, tasted a little strange, and i was painfully aware of each bite i took. that's not to say the xiao long baos we ordered weren't nice (4 yuan for 10 i think) but i had a good view of the kitchen and it didn't exactly inspire an appetite in me. we went to the great wall like all hao han should, even though we didn't go to the highest tower. there were so many people on the great wall i wondered if the people in space who were looking down at the great wall saw concrete or a strip of black framed by a long border of yellow. the strange things i think about huh.

which brings me to quote this conversation zk, me and tim tay had. this was yesterday when we were studying for collections at starbucks.

*buzz buzz buzz* annoying fly buzzing above our heads.
i think to myself: what an annoying fly. was about to say that it was an annoying fly when...
tim tay: have you ever wondered why mosquitoes are not extinct? i mean, they are not ecologically necessary are they?
i think to myself again: huh, that's quite random.
zk: well you can't really say that...etc etc etc discussion continues for a good few minutes and i half listen, but the rest of my brain is actually screaming "this is so oxfordy!" which i blurted out later. zk corrected me and said you mean "oxionian". nono i mean oxfordy. you know, in the same vein as geeky, nerdy and study.

hurhur wasn't that funny.

ah so i have digressed enough. back to my summer. i left singapore early, and left my family and abiel behind to go watch the rugby world cup in france! specifically the all blacks who are AWESOME. i also have my favourite top the all blacks jersey courtesy of kor (and this story i should say too) and we took lots of pictures. lyon was beautiful and the weather was perfect, and paris was cold. cold cold cold. but surprisingly when we went to versaille the weather turned so good that the clouds looked fake. i took lots of pictures for once too. and i'm excited because i finally get the license to watch ALL the rugby matches i want now that collections are over (i did badly for them i swear) - so go all silvers and trash les blues! (no offense, the french were nice. and chabal is scary. but still, all blacks all the way) so tmr it's england australia (i hope england wins partly cuz i am here, but really cuz i think england's less of a threat than australia hehe) and NZ france! sunday it's springboks fiji and scotland argentina. all interesting.

anyway i digressed again. i was supposed to tell you about my lovely amazing fitting cool all blacks jersey which i got courtesy of kor. this story i think is quite hilarious. so it's my 21st and i have some friends over. my brother was around as well, and he got bored quickly so i left with my brother and abiel to take him to my gran's where he could have more fun. so i left the boys with a bottle of port. now on hindsight the fact that jerald was around should have deterred me (hahah) but it didn't. so by the time i come back, jerald is in a happy place, and my kor is cheshire cat. it's ok, they are just high not yet/that drunk, which was fine by me. so it's presents time, and kor passes me a present. you see, because he kept asking about the rwc i kinda figured out what was inside, especially since when i touched it; it was soft. he was so worried he got the wrong team and i comforted him by saying "it's ok so long as it's not the french jersey!"

and he paused and said "now i'd think that was funny even if i weren't drunk".

and i opened it and

oh the funniness of it all.

i spent too long on this, so i should go before i bore all of u, but i just had to share this with you. my new room had no curtains, so after some days of agony and realizing there weren't even rails to hang the damn thing, i emailed the steward's office to ask for them. i pondered over the subject header for a long time - abiel being the sweet boy as he is was ever so helpful. here are some things he came up with "i need my curtains!!" "curtains'Rus" and, this takes the cake "in an ideal world, we would all have curtains."

i am sure he said more i cant remember at the moment. gtg now! good night. =)

2007-08-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

people, for the sake of your beloved friends who are stuck in offices with no work to do (ie me) please do update your blogs! there are only these many times i can visit straits times and bbc in a day!

i have another love now though. i think abiel shares it with me. it's called...CHUZZLE! yes the cute little fuzzballs that squeak, roll their eyes, sneeze, burst and even shed their fuzz if u annoy them. there are fat chuzzles too, also cute. i think the major attraction of this game for me is that, you guessed it, the little fuzzballs are too cute to bear! now if you don't believe me and want to see proof (not my pic):

isn't it just the cutest game? there are even chuzzles that sleep. i got my fat chuzzle to belch which was really funny. ahhh if i remember to bring my laptop tomorrow i might be able to play chuzzle while at work. muahahaha. i am not being lazy, my boss has run out of work for me to do and he knows i have no work because i reminded him. oh well. nvm, i won't complain about more chuzzle time! it is also the first computer game i am playing properly in a long long time, after neopets. i tried abiel's need for speed too, but must confess i really suck at drifting. ah another game to master for another time.

it seems like i haven't been doing much this summer holiday, yet it's almost ending. i have been to greece and back, started working, continued driving (wish me luck, i in turn will ensure your insurance premiums don't increase) trained for ahm (which i don't know whether i am running in the end! sigh) but not touched schoolwork, not even my thesis. i envisage a stress-filled michaelmas. my kor commented that i was being very efficient though, cuz i have a china trip coming right up (in fact flying on the day of ahm), and then driving very shortly after, followed by france! for RWC! yay seeing the all blacks and then going to disneyland and touring paris will be so fab. i think going back to oxford straight after that will be such a bummer, but it can't be helped i guess. anyway efficient perhaps in the number of things i can do and places i can go in a short three month span (honestly i think it's a little embarrassing) but no studying! argh.

anyway today i was reflecting on some things about crime and punishment. there's an outcry in uk about a boy who murdered a man in 1995. he was rather young, 15, stabbed the poor man who was trying to protect another boy in a gang fight. he was sentenced to life in prison with a 12 year minimum term, but could be released as soon as next year if the parole board judges that it is safe for him to be released. the outcry is not just that he will be released (it seems to be a foregone conclusion) but rather that he will remain in uk and not be deported (he's italian and came to england at 6.) it is a tussle between the home office and the asylum and immigration tribunal. basically the home office want him back in italy, where he was born, while the asylum and immigration tribunal ruled that he can stay in uk because of the Human Rights Act. basically because he is an EU national and has lived in the UK for more than 10 years (even though this is in a prison) he can only be removed from UK on the "imperative grounds of national security" and so, respecting the law and his rights mean he can stay in uk.

my intuitions were, this can't be right? he is a convicted murderer, and his act of murder mean in effect he lost all claim to his right of freedom of movement. this is recognized, of course, in his imprisonment. isn't this easily extended to his not being able to stay in uk? well, the more i thought about it, the more i felt this issue was actually incredibly tricky. firstly, examining why his freedom of movement was curtailed in the first place, well i'd say it's both a punitive as well as a preventive measure. there is little direct deterrent effect in this particular case, because well, a life is not paid with a life, and also because a life term is in effect a 10 or 20 year term. even arguing about his early release i would wonder if 12 years is enough punishment for a man's life, and enough to inculcate in one the value of another's life, and what respect for her rights mean. sorry if i sound unnecessarily harsh given his young age, i know he's spent a good part of his years in jail. however if the parole board were to rule that he can be released, they are not only saying he has been punished enough, but also that he poses no threat to society. i can only raise my eyebrows in great scepticism at that claim. i have not met this boy, know nuts about him, but my basic understanding of punishment is that it should be proportional to the crime, and even though there is no way you can ever repay a life, it seems like they are equating the victim's life with 12 years of this boy's life. furthermore, the attack was brutal - the victim was stabbed, not shot - stabbing requires you to physically hold the weapon, plunge it into the other person's body, with the full knowledge of how much that would hurt, the sight of how human this other person is when the blood gushes out onto your hands..i mean the whole nature of stabbing is the close direct contact with the victim, and therefore awareness of the humanity and frailty of the victim, but still choosing to commit the heinous act. (sorry i am not expressing myself very well at the moment) 12 years for a brave professor's life.

even more than that, what intrigued me was precisely what the victim's widow said. what about her family's rights? when do u stop punishing someone, a young person with perhaps a bright future, and when will that, if ever, appease the victim's family? there must be some degree of forgive and forget, no doubt about it, and the murderer should be given a second chance at life, especially if he has really and truly reformed. but how much of this person's life should encroach, if i may use that word, on the victim's family's lifes? i think emotions rule the day, because everyone can emphathise with the woman's claim - i know i would act in the exact same way. how much of your rights do you surrender when you not just disobey the laws of a nation, but also of humanity, and most of all, when you take someone's life away? if that surrender was acceptable even for a period of time, then explain clearly why this is now not the case, rather than hide behind some human rights legislation intended to protect refugees, poor migrant workers and asylum seekers, people who actually need that help.

human rights is always controversial i know - why, who, the extent, even its existence. but this, i think, is a blatantly wrong use of the term, and the scary part is, the only way i can explain it
is by appealing to emotions.

2007-08-12T13:33:00.000+08:00

i am displeased.

last week ST featured a group of promising talents in the fashion industry. well and dandy, kudos to all of you. except of course, the lament was that singapore girls are really dress down, take their inspiration from magazines, and worse of all horrors, leave the house without a stitch of makeup on. today, there's a feature about teens who spend a lot of money on making themselves look good.

one thing i don't understand is the emphasis on makeup. why resort to something so artificial when in the end, you may frighten the poor boy away when one day you don't put any makeup on? actually given that cosmetics is a multi-billion industry in litigious america i am frankly surprised that no girl's been sued yet for "appearing different" from what she normally looks like, not having "the goods" so to speak. (the same goes for breast augmentations too and all that) surely it's not essential to put makeup on for something as simple as a jaunt around the neighbourhood, or even orchard? and since when did well groomed meant being well made up too?

i understand the need for makeup, and i know that makeup can work wonders. that is why i have some myself. but i resist any attempts to make me wear it more than i deem necessary, it's a tool to complement not to subsume. personally i find that as long as one is hygienic, smells good and is healthy, no one is that unattractive to need makeup on all the time. i much rather spend money on a good skin-care and fitness regime than something as ephemeral (i think the word was developed specially to describe made-up beauty) as makeup. really, if you're lucky, it will last you till the time you intend it, that is, 9pm, beyond which you probably will contend with panda eyes and smudgy lips. another horror to contemplate surely.

having said all that, i totally understand the feeling of wanting to look good. i have days when i feel like buying that waistcoat, getting that perm and manicure, and generally wanting to make myself up in the prettiest way i think i can. but in the end, i dismiss those ideas, partly because i am lazy, i know i cannot upkeep such habits, but more importantly because i don't want to be reliant on something that will ultimately destroy my confidence in my own physical features.

2007-08-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

My work so far

The good: realizing that the horror stories told by MFA about Saudi Arabian men just aren’t true. For the past week, I was attached to a group of Saudi Arabian delegates, picking them up from the hotel to meeting venues, and back again. They treated me with respect, and spoke to me and talked to me about themselves, their families and their culture. I had a very enriching time (the meetings, though at times boring, were really an eye opener because it taught me so much about Singapore), and even though the scheduling and the job was demanding, I felt different at the end of the week. Like I have truly learnt something. And I was sad to say goodbye to the delegates – they really were very nice and understanding.

The bad: the constant ringing on my phone, even throughout the meetings. People just assumed because I was there as a “Liaison Officer” that I was always free, but in actual fact I was so frustrated because I could be in the middle of a call, and get another call coming in and have a text at the same time. It seemed as though everyone demanded my undivided attention, which by definition I could not give to all at the same time.

The ugly: the policy about gifts. Let me relate the whole story first. On the second last day of the trip, they went to Botanic Gardens. At the gift shop, the leader of the delegation stopped and was browsing. He beckoned me to join him, and asked me about a orchid necklace he had in his hand, if it was suitable for his daughter “about my age”. Well I thought since it was gold, and his daughter was my age it may not be appropriate as I pointed him to a silver one which I thought was more suitable for someone younger. I also asked about his daughter’s taste, and he said that she was like me, so I finally pointed to one and he chose it.

Surprise surprise (probably spoilt it already) he gives the necklace to me and said it’s on behalf of the entire delegation as a thank you. I am so incredibly shocked I don’t even have time to react before the gift’s in my hands. No matter, I go back to office after all the meetings have ended (so much integrity I have) and report it to my boss. He wanted me to keep it, but my tale was overheard and I was told to declare the gift instead because it’s for my own good. Today I get the form. On the form, not only do I have to fill in the gift and why I could not decline it, I was also asked to indicate if I wanted to buy the gift.

I’m sorry? Did I read correctly? The company wants me to pay for a gift I got, the money of which will go into the company’s coffers? If I do not want to buy the gift, the company will keep it. I’m told it might be used in family day events and the like. I don’t know but to me it was a little shocking to say the least. I understand the government’s concern about being clean and all, but surely it’s a little presumptuous to make one state that one has to buy the gift at the company’s valuation? Why can’t the system be that you state the gift that you have, and the company then decides whether or not to take further action? And again, what if the company values it above the gift price? My biggest query is, why is it in the end the company who benefits from it all, when the gift was supposed to be a thank you for the hard work that I put in, sort of a reward for hard work? No matter, one might say, afterall you are paid – that is enough reward for your hard work. However that is why it is tricky, I am not paid a single cent at all. But more than that I do not like in the end it is the company which benefits from whatever arrangement comes out of it, and the most I can keep of the gift is perhaps a snapshot. I would have no objections at all if the money was donated, because that is the very essence of a gift right? If your purpose is to maintain a clean graft free government, which I fully agree, isn’t there something strange about “selling” someone’s gift back to them, and keeping the money for yourself? How can you, in the first place, make money out of something that you do not own, that is in all respect another person’s? Shouldn’t you at the very least pass on the benefit to someone who needs it more, never mind any arguments about reward now?

Someone may say, think of the greater good. Such mechanisms are in place to ensure a graft-free environment, after all there can be no buying you off since you pay for your own gift. Sure, I agree, but then the question is not just you paying for your gift (even though to that I still have some reservations) but also where the money goes? I understand, correct me if I am wrong, that the money that the government collects as fines goes into the government’s coffers. I always wondered what about the fines that the government collects when someone is convicted, say of robbing someone. Do the fines go back to the victim, or is he seriously out of pocket?

Knowing my government and company however I know there is no use complaining, much as I feel hard done (it’s not the gift per se that irks me, it’s the fact that it was from a group of people who I will like to remember in years to come). I will just go home and take a snapshot. After all, this is merely a foretaste of the rewards I will get in future for my participation.

2007-07-25T21:34:00.000+08:00

ah, i finally have the time to sit down and blog (i would have a lot more time if i could blog from work, but i thought i shouldn't risk it. rare moment of foresight i know)

anyway i am listening to this song, which i really love. it's called 一个像夏天一个像秋天 . listening to this song brings back bittersweet memories, somehow. it's about how two girls become best friends, and this part in particular resonates 如果不是你我不会相信朋友比情人还死心塌地,就算我忙恋爱把你冷冻结冰你也不会恨我只是骂我几句... it reminds me of my time back in jc and how i had my friends around me at precisely the time i needed them the most. no matter the number of times i cried or was silly or just said the same times over and over again, no matter that i committed the same mistake, and then ended up as hurt as i was before; they were always there. truly remarkable, and truly remarkable also that i do not recall even saying thank you.

and now, rather belatedly, i am thanking every single one of you, zk, yileng, kaisiang, jo, sara, ruomei, weixiang, yuhui, jean, huixin, and countless others i know i must have forgotten. i am sorry, and i thank you again. gratefully though i hope, keeping my fingers tightly crossed, i will not need or want to act in the same way again.

anyway, on a more uplifting note, i had a lovely time in greece. it's a place i strongly encourage everyone to go to. i suppose, after a stressful trinity term anything that was mildly relaxing will have been really welcome, but greece beat all hopes and expectations i had for it. a day in athens was probably a little too short, but i enjoyed my time on the greek islands. it truly was a holiday in the full sense of the word - slacking on the beach, taking a tip in the deliciously cold, slightly salty but oh so clear sea, having good meals and just doing things as we liked. night entertainment, drinking games, bridge, dai-dee, taking a dip in the swimming pool (i was unfortunately dumped into the pool fully clothed, kicking away, twice, by abiel, that imp) but anyway i will let the pictures do the talking (all courtesy of abiel)

the Parthenon. for artifacts however, one should go the british museum.
the sunset at andros, a quiet greek island.

group jump. this was taken in one shot! the caucasians were so amused, they kept snapping away at this crazy group of asian kids.
a stunning sunset view from our restaurant at mykonos. we called it the say say say island, after hardo gay. one of the guys got picked up twice!
reputedly the best place in the world to watch sunsets - santorini. as you can see, words simply cannot describe the sheer breathtaking beauty of greece.

visit it if you can! one thing to note though, life on the islands is languid, so when the locals say 5 mins, you know they actually mean 30!

2007-06-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

i am so old!

was reading my cousin's blog and she (all of her thirteen rather tender years) mentioned that she was feeling very emo because she was reading a lot of emo posts. well to me emo = brit punk with tongue piercings and spiky pink hair = a trifle scary = avoid. naturally i was a little alarmed, and then it took some time (a good minute) to figure out that she meant emotional. of course. i am so old that abbreviations don't make sense to me anymore.

worse, i am so technologically unsavvy it isn't even funny. she had music on her blog! i can't even change my blog template and do all the cool things she does with her blog! i suppose i can be an old foggy and just let my blog be a diary instead of an expression of my individuality.

and then i find myself looking for work clothes because i will be working in another year, or at the very latest in two years time. oh man. designers really need to work on the range (pun unintended) - plain white shirts and black skirts is just too boring, fishtails or otherwise, and i don't want to wear a jacket in hot hot hot singapore! the worse thing for me, thinking back to my internship days, is how little i will get to wear jeans at all. for the record, i have an embarrassing number of jeans. about 8, maybe in uk, and another 8 or so in singapore. it doesn't help that i bought another 2 pairs this year, and another 2 pairs of trousers. (i probably have, like, 10 pairs of trousers?) it's this thing about needing skinny jeans. then seeing some cheap ones from gap and ralph lauren, then thinking about how i don't have a pair of jeans in gray, or cord, or cream, and how i really should get one. makes dressing up easier you see. thankfully now all i lack is a pair of cream jeans. then i am well and truly stocked. (i don't go for coloured jeans generally, so this means i have jeans in many shades of blue.) shocking i know, especially since i won't be able to wear them once i start working!

oh and i know i am old when i remember that i haven't been to a club in ages (middle of last term?), and realize that if i do i probably will take a few days to recover from the ringing sound in my ears, the sore feet and the dehydration. however i am adamant that i will go at some point, hopefully before this term ends, or at least back in singapore (st james powerstation? i still really want to go to mos in london though) i am starting to find heavy metal like the darkness annoying which is not good for clubbing life methinks.

and this body simply cannot keep late nights anymore. i used to be able to sleep at 3am and get up at 6am for school, but now if i sleep at 4am i get up at 1230pm, in time for lunch if i rush. and now at 6ishpm i am feeling sleepy again. plus, i didn't run for 5 days and my running deproved tremendously. i actually felt tired, no correction, like my legs are going to drop off, even though i decreased the speed by quite a bit towards the end of my run. plus, two days after the run and my legs are still aching. this is some lengthy healing that i really don't need. oh, and to top it off i have taken to popping glucosamine to keep them joints in good running shape, sigh, i am touching 21 and i am taking something that my grandma takes to keep her knees walkable.

and what's the coup de grace? complaining about growing old. this, if anything, has to be the trademark of an aging woman.

2007-05-24T07:40:00.000+08:00

the weather in england is really lovely now. the sun's up, the temperature's t-shirt worthy and the skies are mostly blue. i even went around without my sweater today, and boy did that feel strange. i couldn't quite believe that this is how i will be going around back home - i'm so used to grabbing a coat or sweater now when i leave that it's really instinctive. it's nice though, to finally be able to nip out for something without having to layer on like kueh lapis.

which, come to think of it, i have a sudden craving for. my appetite has not been very good lately, even though i have adapted very well to english food (it's sad i know). sandwiches, even cold ones, are fine by me. some days i even prefer a cold sandwich to hot food! (well the main comparison here is hot hall food, but hot food nonetheless). i like to think that it's just because it's summer, and it gets bright really early but dark really late. how do i know? because i have witnessed 2 sunrises in the course of 24 hours - yes, i actually went without sleep for 24 hours. i woke up at 5am on tuesday morning to rush an essay, and then completed it at 5pm (going to lectures, eating, and generally mucking around), only to leave for a friend's 21st party, return at midnight, and stay up till 430am reading and writing essay no 2. i must say i am rather pleased as it's the first time in my two years that i have been this efficient, but needless to say by 4am my brain felt like lead. anyway, i witnessed the sun rise at 5am, and again at 430am. if i weren't so sleepy i will have felt privileged.

i am going home in another month now. i spoke to my family for quite some time this afternoon, over msn. i realize it's been quite some time since they've actually seen me, and me them. it's nice to see their familiar faces. i was really quite excited at the prospect of going home, i have my little giftbags for my mum all ready, and am probably going to get my father more chocolate or something. i was so excited, i even ran to my room to get the bags to show her one by one. you know, perhaps the first thing i miss about singapore when i first arrived here was the food, but really, i don't even think about that anymore (bak chor mee doesn't make my mouth water), yet it is my family whom i am really keen to see.

i guess i want to say that for many things in life, it's always nice to be first, but i think it's sometimes even better to be last. when i am away, i know my family is the last thing i will miss, because i will always miss them, no matter what i am doing, how busy i am, or even how long i have been away and how much i have adapted to being here. when i was younger, i used to daydream about how wonderfully romantic it would be if my first boyfriend was also my last, and honestly i was rather disappointed when it did not turn out to be the case. thinking back, i feel a little silly, how can one commit when one's 14? and it just is not the case that the first has to be the last for something to be beautiful, to be perfect.

i did feel very guilty when i was here, because i felt i wasn't thinking about my family enough. now, i kinda understand how my little brain and heart work. i bought three pairs of pumps in the same design but in different colours, red, white and yellow, and i mixed it up to wear red/white today. maybe i'm too tired, but seeing red and white, and thinking about national day, i really felt the force of "this is home, truly, where i know i must be". i can never say singapore without thinking of it as my home, i would never be able to say, "i am going to singapore", because i am going back to singapore. well i realize i have contradicted myself, singapore is important to me because it is where i was born, where i grew up, the first country that i experienced, and i know that to me, i can only envisage it being the last.

sigh i sometimes wish i didn't have to scrutinize my thoughts for inconsistencies, it kinda spoils the effect doesn't it?

2007-05-04T00:50:00.000+08:00

some things that can cause heartbreak

1) getting this =) because every time i look at the bag my heart breaks cuz it is very pretty. seriously.

2) hearing my tutor say "i very rarely give excellents, so do not be disheartened if you get a good"

3) when two very, very cute guys kiss. (this is tracy's contribution, not mine. she witnessed it. and guys, nope, girls do not have gay fantasies. no girl wishes another guy to be competition.)

4) when abiel tells me, "but curling is so exciting! it's such a fun game!" for the record, curling is a game in which grown men scrub floors in order to get a heavy lead-like looking ball to the end of the strip. i think housewives appreciate the recognition. it is actually even more boring than some lectures i attend. to think i so naively thought there could be no contest.

5) when my other tutor says "actually, your essays should be due in at 9am". really? even when i have another one due at noon the very same day?

6) seeing gorgeous sunglasses from dior but not being able to afford them. -huff-

7) actually having the gall to post such a bimbotic post. had to whine, somewhere! -looks skywards and whistles-

tagboard up!

2007-04-23T08:38:00.000+08:00

at the request of my cousin who reads this blog! horrors. i have got a tagboard up. finally. now to redo the template - something that i started mid feb but have not touched since.

2007-04-17T19:07:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't be complaining. but. i am going to anyway. because my middle east paper is going to be much tougher than i thought it was. not that i didn't think it wasn't a steep learning curve or anything, oh boy that i do know, but my tutor is extremely scary! tute's on wednesday, essay due in a day earlier at noon (all right, that is quite reasonable) BUT there's an outline to be submitted by monday at noon as well. she doesn't expect the full essay by monday, but that means that i have monday evening to finish writing it since i really should only write it once i receive her comments. which, because an essay length of 6-8 pages is called for, means i will probably sleep very, very late. if i sleep at all?

6-8 pages?!?! i am no zk. my essays are normally 4 pages long, averaging 2500 words or so. this is with arial font size 11. 6 pages is about 3,600 words. you are so kidding me! or perhaps someone can tell me that i have messed up my math, but i don't think so. maybe i can cheat and use arial font size 11.5 or even 12 huh. right. at an average rate of 500 words an hour that is 7 hours of pure writing alone. no toilet breaks, no breathers, no nothing.

the only consolation is that the course really is interesting. looking at the reading list just sends happy thrills down my spine (i am becoming like zk! damn.) for example, "the reign of the ayatollahs: iran and the islamic revolution", "a peace to end all peace. the fall of the ottoman empire and the creation of the modern middle east", "political islam", "beyond the veil" etc. the titles are certainly eye-catching. the reading list is also long, however, so i envisage more posts like this, me being cooped up in the library.

perhaps i am being overly sensitive given what i have heard about the nature of this course and the purported slight sway in its teaching, but when looking through the list of countries (and the recommended reading for each) it was striking to see all other countries eg Syria, Lebanon, Israel, Jordan etc named just that, and Palestine was "The Palestinians". i felt it peculiar. maybe i am just being too sensitive.

on a more random note, i managed to speak to yet another singaporean in an english accent today. this time it's worse, i didn't realise it at all! =( =( =( basically i had to call dbs up about my card and my signature, and this was after some calls, so that is my excuse. anyway i spoke and enquired about my card and having to re-sign something, and the lady just paused there for a long moment, i thought i said something wrong, and she spoke back in a distinctly singaporean accent. i was in shock, then i realised, omg, did i just commit the cardinal sin again?!?!?!?!?!?!? it took a while before i spoke normal singlish again (according to tracy, who was well amused. she thought dbs had english customer service officers or something). SIGH.

the worse part is, i called to ask about my signature right? well recall a long, long time ago, when i had bank signature problems? well anyway my english signature is a squiggle, it really is, and it is a hard to replicate squiggle, for me at least. each time i sign it, it looks entirely different. i kid u not (i just practiced). i then replaced it with my chinese signature, which is harder to forge imo and also easier for me. well i thought i did, and i did this at posb. however dbs has an entirely different set of records ie it has my english signature.

which, as i remind myself time and again, i can't replicate.

and i can't even remember how i signed it before.

SIGH.

2007-04-15T06:01:00.000+08:00

Man Falls to His Death off the Empire State Building - International Herald Tribune

my reaction on reading this: aiyoh.
tracy (my roommate): why?
me: a man jumped off the empire state building and died!
tracy: too much work eh?
me: lawyer. (incidentally, guess what tracy is studying! also, guess whose working hours we were discussing over dinner).
her reaction: WHAT?!?! (surprise, shock, anxiety, etc) that's the worst new i have heard in this year. (she is exaggerating, but the point is made)
my evil reply: if you didn't ask, i wouldn't have said!

and after that we return to our books. and i thought about the reasons for the man wanting to kill himself. i thought about family, i thought about debt, and then i thought - maybe he is not a man! what gives the newspapers so much authority that their word is the truth? (see, this is what too much oxford does to you. and i actually contemplated about the stranglehold that papers around the world have on news, truth and opinions.)

then i decided i am turning mad. and i am posting this because i think it is in a very macabre way rather amusing. the degeneration of my mind.

2007-04-08T03:38:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh i have missed so much while studying here! i randomly went to my cousin's blog, and i see, i see pictures of my cousin getting married! then i remember that both my cousins got married! argh. thank goodness he is a photo whore (who links me but i hope doesn't read haha), there were lots and lots of photos for me to indulge in, and boy do i miss my darling cousins.

the bride. she is stunning isn't she. i haven't seen her for so long, i really took a double-take when i saw this photo. and how can i forget my dear, dear cousins behind, one looking a tad miffed for some reason. i couldn't help but chuckle when i saw her expression, if i were there i would have teased her and told her that her turn will come!
my family whom i also have not seen for very long (webcams just don't cut it). mum looks nice. a lot of people say i look very much like my mum, looking at the photo i can see why! my brother looking particularly sleepy too lol. it's hard for me to associate him with the soooo cute brother i used to play with, the one i would always tease and laugh at for his cockerel head, and the one i took pictures of when he had was very small, perhaps one, and had problems pooing in his potty. (god that photo is very cute and funny. remind me to show it to you, i have it with me in oxford).
the girl cousins, minus one! *wails* i really couldn't recognize two, one my god-sis (terrible i know, she normally wears specs but in this photo she is not, she's the youngest), and the other my cousin from hong kong. very surprised she came! and i must say i think all my cousins look very good - even if they weren't my cousins i would still take a second look. the genes. (too bad it somehow skipped me, blah.)
the guy side of the family (not all cousins, many guy cousins not present yet) the two on the right also handily double up as bodyguards for one of my cousin and i (and soon her sister too, because she is finally of age, so we can bring her clubbing too. i see more work for them, muahahaha)
most of the family, and very importantly my grandma!
i love this picture. when we were young, us three were the inseparable three musketeers. now though we are all busy with school, hopefully we can do more crazy supper/clubbing/dangerous driving things soon. not just us three girls naturally. if i were ever to get my license, my driving wouldn't qualify as dangerous, of course! ;)

actually i should be thankful for my cousin's photowhoring, without him i wouldn't have seen so many photos, known so much, and feel less disconnected from it all. hopefully i will be back in summer long enough to see my little new-born niece/nephew due september. i am an old auntie already! weiquan, if you're reading this, keep it secret k (not your sis, the other wedding). and please post more pictures of the other wedding. =)

looking at all these pictures have really made me miss home, and made me realise that i really am missing so much. to make things worse, my 21st will not be spent in singapore, but will instead be spent somewhere in france, away from home, and family. thus far, i have missed 2 weddings, one of which the groom i am particularly close to and very fond of, the 21st birthday of one of my favourite cousins and one i always thought of as my older brother, and soon i will miss aiwei's (three musketeers) 21st birthday as well. let's hope this is it for the moment.

perhaps i should declare to my cousins they should (can) only get married when i get back! muahahaa. weiquan, you heard that uh. =P LOL.

photo-heavy entry, i like. may revert to this next time in future, when i am too lazy, or when there is just too much to say.

long time no see!

2007-04-05T22:32:00.000+08:00

yes i know my blogging record has been abysmal, but i have been busy (more like forgotten) about its existence. these few months i have been studying, essaying, been in london to be a very poor tour guide to abiel's sister and his brother-in-law, had my boyfriend pay for me to watch him dance "sensuously" with another girl (more about that, and a possible incriminating video later!), been to my friend's 21st, and went to prague, vienna and bratislava. phew. summary over now for a long entry.

let's start with the most scandalous one (well, sort of, anyway). imperial singapore society was holding a performance with funds going to charity, and abiel was involved. he whined to me quite a bit during the whole practice and rehearsal process about having to dance with another girl (cue: awwww) but anyway brightly informed me that he had to sell three tickets, and guess who already 'purchased' one. this was the first weekend that his sister and brother-in-law were in london, and he told them he would be busy but (i am sure this he did quite intentionally and gleefully as well) informed them that it'd be a boring show, and really, they shouldn't be wasting their time watching it. right. since he was busy, i was their (very lousy, they had more guidebooks than me) tour guide for the day, going to greenwich with them. digressing a bit, greenwich was really lovely, not the boring museum with a line in the middle that i envisaged, but a quaint area with an absolutely beautiful and expansive stretch of green pastures, and when we were there, framed by the azure blue sky. there are about 3 places to visit there, we went only to 2, the royal observatory and the royal maritime museum. the royal observatory was really fascinating - the building was essentially one very long house, sectioned up, and each little section of the house could split open, and a telescope emerge from within the four walls. yes, not just the roof, but the entire section, like this:
The meridian line at night. © NMM London

way cool isn't it! a laser shoots out every night exactly where the meridian line is, and can be seen for four miles from the observatory. i stood on the prime meridian too, haha cheap thrill. anyway we finally started to make a move, seeing ominous thunder clouds in the sky, and the winds turning into gales, making our way carefully past the pigeons (abiel's sister is really terrified of birds, especially when they are flying) when his brother-in-law remarked about the white specks in his hair. gulp. lucky for him (and us) it was not pigeon poo but snow! lucky them! this in a way reminds me of my run with zk. we ran through a very pretty meadow in oxford called port meadow, and one section was just choking with buzzing, annoying mayflies. i warned zk to keep his mouth shut but he kept insisting it was all right. well it was, till he choked on one? or was it took a deep breath of eau de mayfly? i am not sure. either way i was convulsing with laughter.

anyway i told them over lunch that abiel was dancing. the reaction was an immediate, simultaneous, "he's dancing!!?!?!" (insert big-eyed emoticon here) to which i said yes. they seriously contemplated paying 10 pounds each for the privilege of watching him dance for about 2 minutes. some kind of perfomance he must be putting up eh, to get paid so much for just a 2 minute dance. sanity prevailed in the end, but not before i promised to take a video of him dancing. muauahahahahahahahahhaha. i have the video stored safely in my handphone, but if anyone wants to watch how the pros do it, it's here . he danced from the slow part. (i don't have the cable with me at the moment so i cannot transfer files from my hp to the laptop) anyway the long story just about explains, i hope, how my bf paid for me to watch him dance sensuously with another girl. and in the performance he was the big buaya. diane was shaking her head, me too, tsk.

and now leaves me with my friend's 21st, and prague, vienna and bratislava. a story for another time, when i get the pictures ok? i promise! =) tata for now!

2007-02-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

i have been lazy i know - i spent the past 20 minutes looking for a new blog skin, and trying to change the table size in order to get it to fit properly. the table size won't budge however so i have words overflowing from the table which is ugly so i will deal with that another time when i feel more up to it, heh.

anyway i'm actually not in the midst of doing an essay! (well actually i am supposed to start doing one but i've been putting it off, heh, i will start once i finish blogging). it's been a very hectic week, but a really fun one as well. i went to escape with serene and sheryl on monday night, which was crazy - shisha, cocktails and some rather plucky fun. the first time i went to a club for 2 or 3 months i think. amazing i know. suffice as to say i really really had an awesome girls' night out, and some things that happened during that night (and things that were said!), uh-hem, shall remain secret.

and then on friday it was half-way hall. that went on very very well also. the dinner was surprisingly good, considering it was hall food - a gut-busting 5 course meal of soup, pate, steak and potatoes and mixed vegetables, lemon mousse sponge thing that was very nice, and then cheese and biscuit platter (with stilton!) and then a plate of chocolate mints. the drinks flowed rather freely as well, champagne reception, followed by some rather pleasant and sweet white and red wine during the dinner, and my favourite dessert wine, port, to go with the chocolates and cheese. after that we started dancing on the high table! that was hilarious because the provost was there as well (next to the table, not on the table) doing a jiggly tune of his own. (i think he had too much to drink). i think the high table developed a crack under the weight of the many people dancing on it. then it was off to the bar to chat, and then off to escape again to dance. very tiring night but great fun.
tracy and i in an attempt at an artistic shot:

with anna and divindy, me looking slightly red in the face - not the alcohol but the heat i swear!

people dancing on the high table:

it's striking that i really am halfway through my university education. it is really counting down from now on. my provost said that the dinner was a dinner of celebration, i agree. freshers dinner, we were too nervous, not very comfortable with meeting so many new people and for me, having to be someone i was not. finalists dinner will be a bitter sweet thing i know, because it marks the end of my time at oxford, my time with my lovely friends, and my time learning the oxford way. it is indeed a privilege and very enriching. i hope i have matured and have become more, i don't know how to put it, ready? tracy and i were talking about how circumstances change one's circle of friends, and it seems like once circumstances change one hardly keeps in contact with old friends anymore. and a part of me always felt guilty, still do, that people who meant so much to me don't seem to be at the fore of my thoughts now. i am worried, because much as i want to remain close friends, being in a different country really does make things harder. i will be very sorry to say goodbye to such good friends. yet it seems inevitable. when tracy tells me about her uni life in china, and the times she spent with her dorm mates, i wonder if they still keep in touch. now tracy knows me very very well now, and i will like to think i know her very very well now too, but it seems that neither of us is willing to admit that things will change, and worse, that we might actually be all right, though regretful, if things do change. she will be busy working in london or hong kong, and i will be back in singapore. now that's not all that far, and we've made plans to meet up in thailand this summer if she is working in hong kong, and i have told her that she will be making my will for me (lol thinking far ahead i know), but is this just talk?

lovers say 3 little words to each other, i love you. sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't and sometimes they only mean it for a period of time. friends say 3 little words too, keep in touch. is it like i love u, too?

i realise fully now why i like to read my friends' blogs so much now. it is to keep in touch with their lives, because i can't directly do it sometimes. part of it is because of the physical distance and time constraint, but i know part of it, most of it, is the fear that i no longer mean so much, if anything, any more. the fear that when i say, hey let's meet up, my friend will think i am a lunatic, after months or years of not talking at all, a let's meet up sounds like i am selling them insurance (like in singapore dreaming) or something! will they still care?

tian xia wu bu san zi an xi. sigh. won't it sometimes be easier if this wasn't the case?

lol

2007-01-24T00:37:00.000+08:00

lol i need to change the blog template. first the titles don't show, then i realise it's silly posting a shout-out when obviously i don't have a tag board or anything similar.

anyway i will change the template soon. why am i online? yes, you've rightly guessed, i am meant to be doing work now. the work is interesting but tedious. i need to, however, discuss/write out something which i find is very thought-provoking.

it concerns our conception of justice. what does it mean to that an act is just? it can be just according to law, but what makes law just? well maybe because we have agreed to that law, tacitly, through our act of voting; or more plausibly because we intuitively see that abiding by the law is in our interest, it protects us should the event arise.

anyway i digress. my aim is actually see examine what it means for something to be just. suppose there is a just distribution of all social and economic goods - how will that distribution look like? i would imagine most of our intuition will be that the distribution is largely independent of your social and economic background, but must it preclude your natural talent? which is to say, intuitively a just distribution is one that distributes initially NOT according to social and economic background, but is there room for a smarter person to get more in the initial distribution? someone might argue, well no, because the smarter person will get more anyway - there is no need to start him off an unfair basis (does it make sense to compensate someone who is so much better-off than you, already? even if it makes sense is it 'just'?). alternatively just like social and economic backgrounds are not considered because they are morally arbitrary, so shouldn't natural talents be equally morally arbitrary, since no one chose their talents, and furthermore such conditions are merely facts that cannot be assessed morally?

but this conception of justice, ie that a distribution is just if it does not distribute goods based on morally arbitrary factors, though intuitive (i agree, almost unreservedly to the first reading of this conception), conflicts with another equally compelling one. if natural talents are undeserved, this implies that the rewards we give to someone who works hard is to some extent undeserved as well. how clearly can we distinguish a person who works hard because of her choice, as opposed to her character? yet i clearly want to say that someone who works hard should unambiguously be rewarded, because this is linked to the crucial idea that we are responsible for our actions.

say we think of justice as entitlement. justice is giving someone what she deserves, what she is entitled to, the function of the reward being the level of effort consciously chosen. i am entitled to what i produce (even the carbon dioxide i produce though luckily the goods we are concerned here is a lot more eh significant), but because i can only produce with raw materials, i have to get the raw materials. how can i get them? i can purchase them, or i can appropriate them. even if i buy them it leads back to the question of appropriation, because the person who sold it to me must have appropriated it from somewhere etc. so when is appropriation legitimate, or more accurately when is appropriation just? if we believe Nozick (and Locke) an initial appropriation is just if we leave "good and enough" for others. cryptic words huh, a problem of impossible regression here. suppose in the state before any government or any authority existed, a just appropriation that left "good and enough" for others happened for everyone in the initial state. the distribution then is just. nothing about equality of social, economic, natural talents. indeed the person who can run faster, maybe build faster, or maybe sleep less, will fence off more land. since the distribution in this first stage is legitimate, how can we justify a redistribution even in the face of large economic inequalities? According to Nozick it is perfectly permissible, perfectly within one's rights (i haven't thought about rights, whole new can of worms i am not going to touch yet) to turn away a hungry beggar who watches you throw your scraps into a filthy bin instead of just passing the food to her. it is perhaps morally reprehensible, but it is, dare i say it, just, provided the way in which you obtained your food was legitimate. oh, by the way, if the government were to tax you to pay for the food for the hungry beggar it is unjust, in fact more strongly the government is violating your rights (heaven forbid huh) - it is no different from enslaving you for a couple of hours to work for the government.

why have we thought about this? well i wanted to say, normatively, that a just distribution should incorporate some form of distribution from the rich to the poor, but at the same time a just distribution is one which provides you the fruits of your labour (or alternatively the punishment for your wrongdoings). how is it that to derive such a theory i must necessarily preclude one from the other, when my intuitions on this matter are so strong?

in the case that someone is still interested, i recommend reading the book by Rawls - A Theory of Justice, and Nozick - State, Anarchy and Utopia (don't you just love the title) for the two views of the case. Rawls presents the argument for justice as fairness, while Nozick presents the argument for justice as entitlement. they're definitely a lot more entertaining and cogent than i am.

i still haven't found a conception that adequately gives weight to the 2 notions i'm afraid. and i've become so extremely picky about the words i use.

words, words, words. they are all we have to go on. was it that, from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

shopping never was this fun

2007-01-14T05:39:00.000+08:00

i've been to bicester village before, but that was when i was still in the mindset of multiplying every price by three. not that i didn't do that today mind you (was very sad when i had to leave a beautiful buttery white leather wallet from bally behind - it cost 69pounds), but my total damage was still quite sizable. tracy and i were entering shops whose window displays we normally didn't even look at - dior, tods, boss, furla, mulberry, burberry, jimmy choos even - gosh the feeling of being able to go into such shops and actually being able to buy the delectable red silk thing was fantastic. prices were still dear though, even though in absolute value they were dirt cheap (10pounds for a funky ted baker top, anyone?) it was great. the total damage for me was a very very reasonable 36pounds, considering i bought a pair of jeans from ralph lauren, a chemise from calvin klein underwear which i insisted i could wear as a dress, and then a handbag from clarks. really pleased. even though i didn't buy what i intended to buy (namely sunglasses, and perhaps a nice leather wallet), i am still very happy.

sorry i think i'm a little too traumatized by my collections, i left the room thinking that i know much less than when i entered. i will reflect on my awful behaviour worshipping such brand names when i feel better.

anyway even though i can't have the wallet, i can still ogle at it on my blog! (imagine it a beautiful white colour)

K.I.S.S.

2007-01-12T02:01:00.000+08:00

i'm revising for my collections now, madly revising actually, but i just had to blog. looking through my econs essays, i find it puzzling/annoying how it is that an 'a' level standard essay warranted a "this was very good" at the end of it. it was less than an 'a' level essay really, it was all dealing with a very simple supply and demand concept. basically, the essay was regarding how uncertainty about the causes and effects of pollution may affect policy outcomes. well quite clearly if you're a policymaker and am not certain about the costs or the effects, the target quantity is going to be different from the hypothetical optimal quantity, unless of course you are a hopelessly lucky individual. that essentially was my answer. how that warrants a "this was very good" i have absolutely no idea. the only thing i did that was mildly interesting in that essay was examining very vaguely in a teeny paragraph how the policymaker's expectation of more information in future may affect her policy decisions, but that was again down to whether the policy maker was "environmentally conscious" or not. it's something so obvious, gosh, as i wrote the essay i was half ashamed of handing it in, but due to the time constraint (i wrote the entire essay in 2 hours i believe) i just did anyway. and this is the result.

and as i scratch my head incessantly i wonder why.

oh and one more thing. doing politics makes you very politically correct, and hence i used her instead of him. in just a couple of months i've reverted from using him to one to her. such that when i read someone writing about a person and referring to a him (political writers anyway, not economists) i think, chauvinist. of course you're quite right in thinking i've become a little feminist, and i'm surprised myself as well. but i still am very happy not learning any technical things, especially about computers, choosing instead to ask (wail) for abiel's help every time something crops up. i was (and still am) very proud that i manage to install my printer all by myself the first time i came, and fix a light bulb in my room when the old one fused. speaking of light bulbs tracy and i were changing one in my room last term, and for the lives of the both of us the bulb refused to stay in its socket. how many oxford students does it take to change a light bulb eh. (none, apparently. for the record i got the maintenance people to do it for me)

and of course, how could i forget that zk had to teach me how to use a can opener because i broke the tab ring of the canned tuna i bought. he actually had to web cam and show it to me, else i would starve. and how when i first used a cockscrew i used it the wrong way round and wondered why the damn thing wouldn't work.

and now of course i should go back to work. i feel like a bushman (bushwoman) in the middle of london or something.

a shout-out

2007-01-07T05:52:00.000+08:00

blog reading again and i miss everyone! can kind souls please give a shout-out as to how they are? what struck me about some of the entries was how sombre and all grown-up some of them were, new year nonewithstanding. can i please chat with some people, especially those from my secondary school years (you know who you are, xiuwen, johnny, ritchell, jere etc)? leave a number or something to my hotmail address, it's still the same. i will call from uk promise. and so many people are everywhere! zhihong is now in the uk, joyce in the us, and the boys are coming this year. i miss a14.

and i miss singapore =(. i want to see my family, eat good food, take the public transport, go clubbing and just be at home.

i spoke to a singaporean in an english accent today, shock and horrors, i feel damn ka-tan right now. especially since i'm wondering if there will be jelly babies in singapore. and did google just buy over blogger as well?

just so out of touch.

my 100th post

2006-12-04T04:18:00.000+08:00

as befitting of such a momentous occasion, my term has ended. i am almost half way through my university education, which also leads me to think about a really philosophical question --

can one ever have enough perfumes?

before anyone starts laughing, i will have you know that it's a very profound and important question, and greatly impacts on one's well being. well narrowly defining one as me, but still. the reason behind this rather weird mind exercise is because my roommate's friend just bought 3 perfume sets, 1 for herself. i mentioned to her that today at next, i found a really sweet-smelling lovely perfume, but stopped myself from buying it because i remembered my modest collection of 5 perfumes sitting on the mantelpiece, 1 of which is still shrink-wrapped. anyway i digress. i am still thinking about that lovely perfume (actually there were 3, and all 3 were sorely tempting my willpower to not spend more than 5 pounds a week - more on that later) and seeing that my roommate and i are both perfume crazy (one more than the other) we decided that the simple answer to the question above is, you guessed it, no. =D the complex answer to that i will come up with once i can suffer the pain of the thought of a world without perfumes. perfumes existed since egyptian times for a reason you know, and i don't think it's because bathing was that expensive nor luxurious. and even then there are lovely perfumed or scented bath gels that i am sure they can use.

which roundaboutedly provides any justification i may need to get the next perfume(s).

to be fair, i really only adore (read will die without) my jadore, and one can realistically wear only one scent each time one goes out. but still, 5 perfumes just don't seem enough. maybe if i disperse the perfumes i own (i have about 5 back in singapore, so maybe it's time to leave 1 bottle or 2 in abiel's room - he mentioned something about sharing) i can get even more perfumes. the most depressing news he mentioned to me so far (his purchase of a pink hat coming a close second) was that perfumes actually have a shelf life of 3 years or so, so i shouldn't have half the perfumes i used to have, much less get more. sigh.

anyway this is the said hat, on said boyfriend.

i can't make up my mind who looks better in a pink hat, which says as much for the hat's unisex appeal (as it does his.)

and i am trying to survive on 5 pounds a week because i have grossly overspent this term. i figured that it is actually possible - bread, cheese, yogurt, imitation crab sticks, 2 blocks of chocolate, sultanas, pasta and eggs, with clementines as an added treat, brings the bill to around that figure. i have survived so far on that (4 and a half days and counting), can't make up my mind if it's because of the free food everyone's been feeding me during christmas parties and the like or because it's genuinely possible to survive on the variety i have.

the upside is that i've started to realise that the origins of stuff that i eat so often. pudding is just flour, eggs, sugar and maybe some butter, and in whichever permutation i can have different types of pudding. and going to abiel's means i can use a proper oven to bake nice pudding! yay. and i think i have conditioned the body to satisfied with less (variety) surely a good thing.

i should get back to packing.

what hurts more, words or a punch?

2006-11-20T22:31:00.000+08:00

see i've been reading books that make such snide, or sometimes overt attacks on their fellow thinkers that i begin to wonder what is more painful - a seemingly innocuous sentence in a book in the middle of a long paragraph (always a good technique, hiding the offensive) or a punch in the eye, nose, wherever. ok cancel out the groin area but in general the body.

(why do i keep pressing crtl+s?!)

let's give some examples to buttress my point.

"the extreme theorists of globalization...are pessimists of the intellect and of the will"

and at this point i get stuck because the many other examples i wanted to give are in books that i have already read and returned. i remember reading some out to tracy though and we were laughing away at the sheer exaggeration/wry humour of the statement. a bit like the increase of indirect taxes and a caution against the slippery slope of approaching a state of welfarism as a result.

speaking of which, i find this hilarious.

"The second is a plan to spend more of the returns from investing the nation's reserves. Right now, the Government can only spend half of such returns, or 'net investment income', defined to include dividends and interest. The definition will be broadened to include realised capital gains. The move is significant, requiring an amendment to the Constitution and 'working out' details with the Elected President." - ST, 'GST will go up to 7%' 14 Nov 2006

emphasis my own. think about it.

oh the same book that i quoted from simply loves our beautiful country. seriously. our little country got mentioned about 10 times in this book, and this has to be the icing on the cake.

"the problem with the prescription of the option of transparency and careful market supervision is that it demands a level of state capacity that few developing countries can meet...in effect the model of such a financial system is Singapore. It is a tightly regulated and conformist society with a competent authoritarian regime. But authoritarianism and competence seldom go together..." 'Globalization in Question' by Hirst & Thompson

aiyoh becoming more cynical. on a different, completely arbitrary note, i cooked pineapple rice for abiel! yes poor thing has to suffer eating my cooking on his birthday some more. this is how it turned out.

tasted quite all right (to my surprise seeing it was the first time i attempted something as elaborate.) will replicate that effort on a larger scale for this weekend's xmas dinner! hopefully by the end of my time here i can be a chef, or at least a baker =)

whining

2006-11-13T23:44:00.000+08:00

argh, term is killing me. monday of week 6, and i am ready to throw in the towel. i've just started the introduction to essay number 10, the one that was due 4 days ago, and i'm already out of brain juice to write anything.

listening to black eyed peas just ain't helping. i am tapping my fingers on my keyboard to the tune of my humps and when pump it comes on i just want to go to the gym for a kickass workout. i've read blogs, called home, tided my room, blown a light bulb, searched for mars starburst joosters - anything but work.

i was just calculating, while in the loo, the number of hours one has to work. i estimated 50hours a week, based on 8 hours per essay, 8 hours of proper lessons and 20 hours of reading for politics and 4 for economics (yes i am so sweet to my economics tutor i know).

and! as testament to how much work i have been trying to do i just pressed crtl+s for this blog and published that half completed entry! well at least now i know.

week 8! come soon! even though i will be working away at week 9, at least there isn't the ominous deadlines looming over my head, at least i have the ski trip to look forward to - though i can't make up my mind yet whether or not to be happy i am escaping a cold place to go to the even colder French alps.

and i just pressed ctrl+s again! i must stop doing that.

when term ends i promise entries will be a better read.

gosh i cant believe myself

2006-10-27T02:34:00.000+08:00

as i looked at my tutor who was waffling on about the UN, part of my brain was processing what she said, and the other part was thinking, gosh i'm so going to miss this when i start working.

and this is how oxford has changed me. i like what i am doing, i like using my brain. i enjoy politics and economics, the former because it expands my knowledge and cuz i like to argue, and the latter because it's actually becoming increasingly applicable! i am doing an essay on us vs microsoft corp now, and it's simply amazing how relevant econs is. no abstract marginal theories, no grandiose welfare edgeworth box theories, just theories that explain how monopolies think and operate in almost all scenarios.

it fascinates me how economists can actually formalize something as exclusive dealing into its good and bad (and the in-between). it's amazing how economists can formulate models to provide a solution to the prisoner's dilemma. it makes me think, what about arrow's impossibility theorem, and gosh how much knowledge i will miss in future when i'm no longer around.

the human brain is a wonderful limitless thing. i never thought i'd be gushing about knowledge and not just perfumes.

i could go on about how fun politics and econs is, and how much better i am at bullshitting now (it's actually 2 weeks in a row that my tutor said solid effort, not sure what that means) and discussing things i have absolutely no idea about, like law and drug taking. but i will stop. my econs essay beckons, it's due 7pm (it's 740pm now) and i'm not even 1/3 way through.

oh delightful delightful oxford

2006-10-09T03:08:00.000+08:00

started the new academic year off with a big bang - when i received my reading list for international relations. a 3 page reading list for my first essay, 3 pages chock full of font-size 12 book titles, without reference to any specific chapters or pages in the book. 8 essays, 1 for each week, odd weeks i have a 3 page reading list, even weeks i have a one-and-a-half page reading list. how sweet of my tutor to take into account the fact that we have to sleep sometime. i know i have complained enough, but gosh, i will be happiest (so far) when i submit this essay, regardless of whether she thinks it's absolute crap.

i couldn't stand readingandreadingandreading in the library and in my room, so i went to my college library to - no prizes for guessing what i did - borrow more books! this time for economics. my college library has a really quaint index card system to find books, and i thought i've finally mastered the system. well i did, but not the system of shelving, as it turns out. i found 2 of the 4 books i needed, and was looking all around for the other 2 books. one of the books was M35 something, but the shelf went up to M28, and the next shelf i could find started with M36. convinced there was something wrong with squinting (M36 was the top of a wall-to-ceiling bookshelf). also couldn't find this book which was M0.5 ish (could only see M10)so i checked the index cards again. well i did get the right details, so, back to the economics section i went. after a few minutes of futile searching i decided that people must have taken the books out.

and then a stroke of brilliance strikes. seriously i kid you not, the idea that there could be other shelves of economics books struck me. i am happy to report, i was right, the other shelf was behind me (yes stop laughing already) and other shelves were joining the shelves i was looking at in an L-shape. i saw many many books, and 4 enormous tomes, the largest of the hundred odd books i've seen so far, so large that it was sticking out of the shelf. i prayed that that wasn't the book i needed, and as luck would have it, it was.

the sight of a girl clad in an oversized polo tee shirt, track pants and slippers, hugging 4 big books that nearly slipped out of her hands, must have been quite pathetic. at least i definitely felt pathetic, looking at the beautiful roof detail characteristic of my college, looking at the building i am living in and seeing only 1 lighted window - my own.

i got in by mistake, can i go home now?

be careful around bbdc

2006-10-04T14:39:00.000+08:00

since i'm leaving in a few hours time, you guys can relax a bit when walking around the bbdc area. i should list the times i'm driving, really, because it's then that it's best for anyone to keep off the roads, kerbs included.

yes, i've started my driving lessons, and yes, no one has been injured - yet. i will always have a story to tell at the end of each lesson, because i'm really quite terrible. no only do i stall the car (yes i am learning how to drive a manual car! horrors!), i also mount the kerb. but yesterday's lesson takes the cake.

i was learning how to drive and stop on the slope. i was rather nervous, because during the previous lesson, i couldn't pull the hand brake up, even with both hands. the car kept sliding down the slope, but finally i got the hang of driving on slopes - so i thought. my instructor requested that i do a right turn while stopping on a slope. i was to turn into a two-way street with two lanes for each side of the traffic, and a traffic divider in between. i turned into the rightmost lane for oncoming traffic. the turn was perfect, i was in the centre of the lane for once, and couldn't understand why my instructor jammed the brakes so incredibly hard. then i realised, to my horror but greater amusement, that i have turned into the wrong lane!! luckily there wasn't any traffic at that time. this all sounds all right in the circuit (right abiel?) but i was driving on the roads when this happened. absolutely dangerous because i will have langa-ed any car that was driving along, blissfully unaware of the menace on the road. but i find it really funny also. maybe it's just me.

two million and one things to pack, and for once i can finally say this - i am officially overweight! or, to be more accurate, my luggage is. hopefully the lady lets me through!

excited!

2006-09-29T18:24:00.000+08:00

first i'm excited because i've been missing these babes for so long, and i'm finally going to see them again!

i'm also excited cuz my cousins and i are FINALLY going clubbing together, the third get-together this week before i fly. just the excuse to tear the house down. =)

had a lovely birthday celebration yesterday, i realised all my cousins are photo-crazy. they took some nice pictures though, especially of the food. shall post some when i can!

two worlds

2006-09-26T23:56:00.000+08:00

i was just telling abiel the only difference being at home and at oxford is that my home's messier, filthier and worse, very noisy because of all the quarreling.

i jest. but only just.

looking through facebook i realise just how much i miss my friends back in oxford. i was looking through my friend anna's photos today, and that really jolted me. what i really appreciate is the effort that all of them take to keep in touch - i am so lazy it'd have taken me quite a bit to just email them, but there they are faithfully replying with email-length messages.

i have been telling my juniors that if there's one thing they should do, it's to keep their spirits up, especially during orientation week, and socialise as much as possible, as tiring as that may be. i truly regret just switching off halfway through orientation - i was just too tired to keep up that british accent, too tired to have people think i can't speak proper english, too tired to repeat my name (often mangled, i had to spell it as li-sin) and most of all so shy. i regret that because i could have made more friends. i thought i could just make some friends joining some activities, but that's really not the case, because first impressions are so crucial.

one thing i think that british are very good at is mingling. it is more than a skill, it's an art. and gosh i suck at it, like i do at all arts. i have to learn to start a conversation (not with the weather i hope), ask intelligent questions and smile smile smile. not be afraid to introduce myself and just make more friends. sounds easy right? even just thinking about it makes my heart pound.

my resolution this year is not just to do well academically, but also to make more friends. friends are treasures, as all my friends have shown. thank you.

explain to me human nature

2006-09-07T20:38:00.000+08:00

imagine this. person A and person B were both caught for shoplifting by the store detective. person A stole one $50 item. person B stole two $50 items. in addition, the store detective finds out that person B has overstayed his tourist visa. yet, he lets person B go free. you see, person B and him used to go to the same class together in a different country. they are friends. person A, however, has no such luck. he is handed over to the police.

now the searing unfairness of such a situation infuriates me. i'd have thought that if the store detective decided to do his good deed of the day, maybe he should consider doing two good deeds - after all person A did not commit a big a crime as person B. if he chooses to nab person A then, well he should nab person B too, because he nabs person A for his crime (not because person A isn't his friend).

so reasoning this out doesn't work. now let's appeal to the emotions. the store detective is being a good friend by letting his friend go off, his friend is sensible enough not to commit the same mistake again, so it's deterrance without punishment. of course, he needs to be responsible and fulfil his job requirements (why now he thinks of it!) and so he nabs person A. in light of what he's done before, however, the fact that he can now hand person A over to the police shows somehow his spitefulness. i mean, aside from shoplifting and not being his friend (misfortune of all misfortunes!) what other crime has person A committed?

how to reconcile this?

of course, if we go by the letter of the law then the outcome for person A will be the same, whether or not he was caught by this store detective or the other store detective who is friends with neither person A nor B. however, the fact that the outcome for person B is so different because of his luck - really it's nothing else is it - despite committing a worse offence just makes me feel so indignant.

don't tell me it's a fact of life that we have to accept. what do you call this? corruption? no money passed hands. what is this called then? have we no name for this? compassion? that's bull.

someone explain this to me.

in a foul mood

2006-08-12T09:37:00.000+08:00

i know i am in a foul mood when i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and see myself scowling, simmering. i know i will be in a foul mood if i'm utterly frustrated with my day, and utterly frustrated with trying my bestest to sleep last night but not being able to, until 5am.

what tops the cake? you guessed it! having to travel. today i think i will have the dubious honour of travelling around singapore in one day. i have to be at toa payoh in a while, and this involves travelling downwards from the North-South line, and then from toa payoh i will have to travel to crystal's house, which, irony of ironies, is near my house, and therefore involves travelling back upwards. and then from there i will have to travel to my grandma's house in tampines, which involves travelling from crystal's house (not near any mrt station), ie travelling almost the whole length of the East-West twice.

oh fuck it. complaining isn't going to make it better. i am going to get myself a tome to read on the train. or blast loud music.

national day eve

2006-08-10T22:47:00.000+08:00

note: this was meant to be posted 2 days ago, but hwa chong's intranet wouldn't let me, and i was too busy to try till now. so here goes!

You see, I’ve resigned to the fact that my life, at least, is full of ironies. One of them, painfully enough for me, is that I’ve always been late for school in Hwa Chong, and I’ve not attended flag-raising more than ten times then, but now I attend the flag-raising ceremony religiously. I should have known better when I decided to apply for the position of research assistant.

But I’m actually quite happy. Aside from the fact that I spend much less time sleeping now (and hence more time doing more productive stuff), I really enjoyed today’s mini national day parade put up by the Chinese High kids. The marching wasn’t perfect, but for their guard-of-honor contingent (amazing right?) it was, as Abiel would call it, kilat. The best part was the Chinese High band. They rock, really. Their smooth moves, the cute confusing whirl of their cymbals, the amazing drummers (now I want to be a drummer) and the snazzy band major were all spectacles in and of themselves. Not to mention the music of course. It was really a treat for me, since I haven’t been to a national parade live since P5 when I went for the rehearsal, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Bleah. It’s so sad that it is so incredibly difficult to get tickets to the actual parade.

Ok I should go now, sorry for the capital letters and very perfect (in my opinion at least) English, I’m typing on MS word in office. Tsk tsk I know. =P

Oh before I forget, Happy Birthday eve Singapore! I know I whine all the time about the political scene and censorship and stuff, but truth be told, I whine because I care, and really, there's no where else I'd rather be.

about a bastard

2006-07-26T09:48:00.001+08:00

as the title probably suggests, i am not happy, and this entry will by no means be a nice pleasant one. but i will try my best to keep it vulgarity-free.

one must always strive to help others in need right? yes, so bearing this axiom in mind, when a guy approached me at a train station to get me call to his friend to tell him that he'd arrived, saying that his handphone battery was flat, i thought nothing much about it. he was relatively polite, didn't take my handphone from me, and even asked where a coin-operated phone was. so i dialed. no one picked up, he smiled, said it was all right, and i left to take the train.

big mistake.

it turns out that the number i dialled was his handphone number. very sneaky and cowardly way of getting a girl's number right? he called me a couple of minutes after i left. i thought he was his friend (see he now has split personalities) but it turned out to be him. fine, i told him i wasn't fine with being friends, rofl, seeing that he featured less than an ant in my life, at least i bother to look out for an ant. come to think of it, i didn't look at him when he asked me the question either, i have no idea how he looks like, save for a red shirt or something. he was nice about it, so i thought, case closed right?

big mistake 2.

this evil conniving etc etc bastard called me again a week after, while i was watching a movie. he called multiple times. me being me, i didn't pick up until like end of the show, when i realised i had 3 unknown numbers who tried to call me for a total of about 7 times.

by now you guys will probably realise this guy operates with not one number, but at least two. the third unknown number was withheld. i decided to ignore it, though as things were i was getting annoyed.

he calls again, twice at midnight one day, and on the very same day itself at 5am. i ignore it. the next day he calls at 6am, and being extremely sleepy due to the lack of sleep (i wonder why) i pick up the phone, he asked who's this, i gave him a fake identity and since he sounded really sorry about waking me up, i thought, yes case closed he's never going to call again.

he calls today at 4am. he remembers my fake identity name. i immediately ignore his call, switch my phone to silent and everything, he doesn't call back. i tried to call him a while ago to ask him kindly to please stop calling me, let's see how this works out since he's not answering.

i am so angry by now by the severe lack of sleep and the calls waking my family up that i call singtel customer service to try and get them to block the number for me (belated move, i know). they say they don't have such a service, but they can do a call tracing for me and send him a warning letter. it'd cost, but i didn't mind paying because i want this guy to have punished in some sort of way, to not do it again to any other girl, not just me. they say that to do a nuisance call tracing, however, they need 5 calls a day. well that's nice and dandy isn't it, since he's so shrewd that when he needs to call more than 5 times a day he uses his 3 different numbers. the lady on the other line is really apologetic, she surmises he probably knows about the policy, i ask her about filing a police report, she tells me it's up to the police to decide what to do about it. the lady suggests i change my number, no way.

bah.

so now i'm left bleary eyed typing a blog entry not being able to do much more, really except to hope he's reasonable and will stop calling and delete my number from his phone when i ask him to.

gosh what a bastard.

moral of the story, guys? when you help someone, make sure your phone number is withheld first (you can do this with any phone.) otherwise you might have to pay for it like me.

about results

2006-07-11T23:32:00.000+08:00

see, i've never been someone to beat myself up over my results. it's partly because i've seldom done badly enough to warrant being upset over how i've scored, but mostly because i've always found a good reason to explain why i did so poorly. like when i got an f, and the subsequent fail marks for maths were all brushed aside, i didn't care, to be honest, cuz i felt at least there was progress.

now i realise it's not improvement that i seek. some part in me had always been confident that eventually, i will nail it, it just takes time. some cocky part of me has always imagined that i'd figure it out somehow, with little effort on my part. abiel thought my poor showing this time round was due to cockiness, no, abiel, and that is the scary part for me. i wasn't cocky. i studied hard, as best i could, wrote what i thought were brilliant, yes brilliant answers to the questions, and what did i get in the end? i barely scraped a 2.1. my essays throughout term were fine, good even, my politics tutor told me he was actually disappointed with my collections results (when i did better than my current paper) because he expected so much more from me.

it's not exam technique. i did time myself stringently, unlike during collections. was it that i chose questions i could not do? maybe, but i doubt that'd have played such an important role anyway. is it that i didn't do enough work? perhaps, but i did what i could with what little time i had, and throughout the term i did consciously work hard. and anyway at this point it's hard to reconcile with the fact or appearance that some people are able to do so little work during term time and still get their firsts.

so what is it?

if it's not exam technique, not amount of work put in, and seeing that it is the same paper that everyone sat for - well then, by elimination, it must be me, isn't it? the one thing i've been most proud of myself wasn't really my running or anything, it's been my brain all this while. i pride myself on being able to think on my feet, being quick on the uptake, and oxford's honed that and i'd like to think that my tutors have taught me more. (at this point, i'm reminded of sheryl's comment that i have, in her opinion, the 2 best politics and philosophy tutors in the university.) i'm starting to think, to seriously doubt, am i not good enough for oxford? sure i passed, but that has never been and will never be my aim.

they say that confidence is half the battle won. let's see how much worse i can do, now that i've lost half the battle.

home, results etc.

2006-07-08T02:07:00.000+08:00

24 hours - 3 countries, 3 airports, after a 8 hour long train ride. i got slightly sick at every lurch the plane took towards the end of my marathon travel back home, but at least i survived. it's the anticipation. i remember, on the long train ride from varna to sofia, seeing mountains framed by the rising sun, remember the lerthagy i felt when i reached sofia, after having slept fitfully and badly needing the loo. i remember feeling excited, happy that soon i will be home.

plane ride to heathrow from sofia. started to feel nonchalent about this home thing. plane ride from heathrow to bangkok. sat next to 2 thai teenagers who were visibly elated when the plane finally touched down. all at once i wish i were them, even though it'd be my turn in a couple of hours. plane ride from bangkok to singapore, my home. time seemed to stand still at 15minutes to landing. i was anxious, so anxious. my parents were waiting, abiel was waiting, i didn't want to be late. zipped through security, half jogged my way to customs and out, and suddenly this anxiousness stopped. replaced by this nonchalence about being home, my home, the familiarity of the place, seeing my mum wave frantically as i wave back but almost instantly turn to look for my luggage. i missed singapore, i missed the people in singapore dreadfully, but i couldn't master a hug when i saw the people i missed so much. it's not that they don't mean anything anymore, all of them are so integral to my life, it's just so hard to let them know how happy i am to be home. my parents, my dear darling parents, i am ever so glad to see them. and abiel darling, i'm sorry if i seemed cold, my heart leapt when i saw you (the blindingly bright orange shirt might have something to do with it =P) but honestly, i felt complete.

my happiness at being home increased when i saw my brother, who kindly opened the door for me with a smile (rare one these days) and my grandmother, probably as pleased as i am that i am back. tempered, though, by my grades, which are by no means average, much less good. tempered by the 2 million things that are missing from my bag, they've just disappeared. the grades are probably the main factor though. and now it's 230am and there's nothing much i can do online, nothing much i can do to will myself back to bed but just blog surf. there's still anticipation, this time of abiel's sister's wedding, seeing him again, seeing his parents again, seeing her in all her joy and happiness, in the knowledge that she need never be alone again.

and this is when i tell myself, at the end of it all, grades don't matter. material possessions don't matter. they are means to an end, and as long as i can achieve the end i want, then obstacles are just temporary roadblocks, but i will get there.

i'm sorry if i can't spend another year with you in london, abiel, if i don't get my masters. i will see what i can do about it.

some things i've learnt

2006-06-28T21:58:00.000+08:00

1) running up a tree is very tiring and dizzying work. and being beaten at it by a five year old kid is just. bah let's not go there.

2) snap is good for entertaining teenagers as well!

3) while we are on the topic of cards, i am now able to count in bulgarian, and even tell you what the suits are. (bows to the applause)

4) sheryl has never seen a condom before and had to get one of the teenagers to show her one. (note all you people. show is not the same as demonstrate hoh.)

5) magic tricks. remind me to show u.

6) there is at least a place in the world that is actually hotter than singapore. no prizes for guessing where that place is.

7) never put too much sausages on your omelette such that the egg becomes a side dish, because then you cannot possibly flip the egg over. it's just too heavy.

8) it is possible to slow cook eggs. (for the same egg, i forgot that the hob was off and just placed the pan on the hob, and wondered why it took so freaking long to cook.)

9) sheryl can do a wicked chikopek voice. it's brilliant. i've got it on my handphone as my alarm and ringtone. it's so effective, sheryl and serene get up 10 minutes before my alarm is due to go just to switch it off.

10) world cup is great. i don't know what to do now in my two days break.

11) how to make twisty friendship bands, as opposed to the knotty ones. that is what i am doing in my two day break.

12) i am an exercise freak. i've not properly gymed nor ran nor anything since last monday, and i am upset.

13) coming up with entertaining lists drains my tiny mind.

first day at gavroche

2006-06-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

we've spent three lovely days slacking in varna. on friday when we arrived we were ushered around and generally just tried to get to know the place better. saturday, we woke up at 130pm (i was so upset! i planned to sleep till 3pm! but the sun was wayyy too bright and it was too hot. something like 30 degrees celsius. at least i know i will survive when i come home) and went out for lunch and grocery shopping again. visited the cathedrals - first time i've been in one for ages, witnessed a funeral and a wedding! (not concurrently, but in separate cathedrals on separate days). sunday was spent lazing in the reeeealllyyy scorching hot beach in varna, the water felt positively icy.

point is, we had a lot to do for the past 3 days yes? including watching just about all the world cup matches that are on (i'm still upset that netherlands is out, but what a match. and what a card-happy referee). and so we weren't expecting to be too much taxed when we starting working with the children at gavroche centre today. after all, it was 4 hours, we all thought, so how bad can it be?

how wrong can one get??

within the first 10 minutes of stepping into the centre, we were playing basketball with the kids, afer a futile attempt to try and organise them into some semblance of teams, but not knowing any bulgarian and not being well versed in the universal language called miming, we couldn't do it. so it was this whole flock of children running here and there and everywhere, and looking and pleading at you with their big brown eyes when you got the ball so you would pass it to them.

well and good, basketball is something i can handle. within the next half hour however, we were dancing to dont cha and 50 cent. these kids, mind u, are so unbelievably well versed in their english pop and club music, and they are so GOOD at dancing. and these are like, 5-15 year olds? the older ones won't even dancing! much pointers to pick up from them there.

20 minutes of dancing later, they decided to arm wrestle!! yayyyyyy!!! -dances around in happy glee because i am not tired yet!- so arm wrestle with everyone about twice, and being nice we let them all, even the small six-year old very skinny girl, win. so after they've realised what wimps we are (some guys thought it was funny to poke my biceps while i was arm wrestling someone), they decided it was time to play fun games like clapping your hands together, something like ping pong that we played when we were young.

abotu 20 minutes of that, maybe less? that's when things really started to get crazy cuz we really had no idea what else to do with the kids! and it was only an hour into the first four hour session we would have with them. it was honestly tiring, and kids have sooo much energy!

and the kids here are so mature. one of them owns a handphone, and his friend were showing us some pictures in his phone. it was porn. we nearly died. this guy is fifteen.

sheryl came back from the kitchen and said there's a bottle of jim beam in the fridge! the friend of the guy who owns the handphone, this guy is sixteen, goes, 'jim beam!!!' and visibly brightens up. the universal language of alcohol, when even miming fails.

if my entru is staccato and long, imagine how painful the four hours was. it was lovely, believe me, but excruciatingly slow when you had no idea how to entertain the handful of joy that was each kid. (i used handful for a reason, think about it.)

i need to go now, and as they say here, "ciao!"

bulgaria

2006-06-23T21:15:00.000+08:00

so i'm here in varna, beach resort by the black sea. to use serene's phrase we "bumbled" our way here - really did. the only thing we had confirmed was the return trip ticket to bulgaria, we weren't even sure that we got visas till the day before we flew. but here we are, survived a day at sofie (not knowing the place at all, made our way to the train station), stayed at a dodgy hotel (many many stories about this one, especially involving sheryl and her spanish and being walked into while showering) took the train here to varna (another case, long story about finding the ticketing counter, basically we couldn't) and finally arrived at our flat.

really really funny, sheryl's got a cam, so i will have photos at some point.

tata for now~

gibberish

2006-06-20T14:49:00.000+08:00

it's never a good idea to rush 2 terms worth of work in a night. i feel like i'm in one of those shopping competitions they used to show on tv, where people will run around the supermarket in a fixed amount of time and grab whatever they want/is most expensive. good summary of what i'm doing now actually - skimming through, no make that scanning through, notes on topics which i'm supposed to be on top of, hoping that somehow there's some retaining thing in my brain that i never knew existed exist.

well, this is it. my last paper, finally my red carnation. (not that i particularly like carnations, nice as they are. it's just that oxford has this tradition of pinning carnations to our gowns for good luck, and a different colour for each stage of your examinations.) speaking of which, i should at some point post pictures of my friends and i in our silly silly gowns. provided i take them first. especially since some thrashing will take place, though thankfully it would not be along the lines of flour, eggs, wine etc etc on the expensive sub fusc (gown). just some tame glitter
and water, which i can handle i think.

speaking of gowns, my friend remarked that it's perhaps only in oxford and cambridge where the guys can say 'shit i left my gown behind' and still retain his masculinity. food for thought. reminds me of guys in eyeliner (which i emphatically think should not at all be attempted, even when drunk, unless of course you are johnny depp.)

i'm incorrigible. it's 8am, my paper starts at 930am, and i haven't finished revising 2/3 of what i am supposed to know. (and here i am blogging)

world cup world cup

2006-06-10T22:35:00.000+08:00

this is not going to be an entry about the football world cup i'm afraid. i mean, i don't dislike football enough to write an entry about it - i might actually go down to the pub sometime to watch england play - but i have exams.

i was just thinking, because singapore is probably not going to feature very much on the international sporting scene for some time to come, i am probably going to support england a lot. i mean, about a year here, and i'm quite fond of the british and their culture (though i will forever whine about the food). can u imagine what will happen after 3 (hopefully 4 years here?)

i am going to get tickets for the rugby world cup, however. which is tricky cuz i am now torn between getting the team package for england or new zealand. urgh. my loyalty is still to the all blacks - but can u imagine wearing black from head to toe in the heat of the french summer? (yes guys who are snickering already. i am a bimbo, i actually think about such things) and if i were to support england then i can still claim to be supporting singapore (somewhat la).

decisions, decisions.

i think i might get tickets to watch new zealand after all.

am. getting. miffed.

2006-06-07T23:28:00.000+08:00

bahhhhhh whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is it that i am still studying for my exams? - whine whine whine- plus i only started revision on monday and i am so BORED with revising. and at some point of time i'd start wishing that rousseau was never born.

the us peeps are back home, most of the uk peeps have finished exams and are touring. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy are the oxonians (and the tabs. =P) the only jokers with exams left???? whyyyyyyyyyyyy did rousseau have to make his social contract 4 books long???

i am going to persist in whining so if u are thoroughly sick by now stop reading my blog for the next two weeks.

lovely, almost too hot weather outside, and here i am, stuck in my room, with the sun mocking me as it streams in from my window where i am sat. come to think of it, the sheer irony of what is outside my window just struck me. a beautiful - i should post a picture at some point - scene of oxford. university church, and behind it, the sky-blue tower of radcliffe camera, framed by fluffy white clouds and more sky-blue.

university church! i see it every day. especially more so since i am in my room virtually all the time. hm. God is sending me a Sign.

serene claims i am becoming more atheist. hm i didn't know there was a sliding scale, but i kinda get her point. well i suppose at some point i have to reconcile with burning in hell. you know i wonder how my christian and catholic and muslim friends view me? like spiritually. i'm pretty sure they see a sinner, since i am in all respects one, and dare i say it, unabashedly so. i suppose they recognise that this girl they see in front of them, the easily amused girl, the whiny girl, the one who hates logic, is, at some point in time, going to writhe in eternal agony as she burns in hell. who is condemned because she has heard God's words, but has chosen to ignore them, knowing full well the consequences that await in her afterlife.

oh well.

some of the worst things to do

2006-06-05T04:53:00.000+08:00

after a hugely unsatisfying dinner of a stale ham and cheese baguette is to remember the article you read about a good japanese buffet that offers oodles of fresh sashimi.

and refuse to learn how to use a microwave oven despite jerald offering constantly to teach it to me. and realising belatedly that a microwave can be used to cook broccoli. (just the thought of broccoli is enough to make me hungry!)

and because of the article, google the name of the restaurant and read food blogs. and then go to the makantime website and see their recommendations. which makes me think of popiah, chilli crab, sambal kangkong, sambal stingray, BAK CHOR MEE, wanton mee, yong tau hu, xiao long bao, har gao, steamed fish and two million other dishes right now that to continue thinking about them will make me weep.

(abiel you get the hint right?)

singaporean food is in a class of its own, i swear. even sainsburys tries to use our name in marketing their 'singaporean noodles' (which i haven't tried, since i know we don't have singaporean noodles!) but in case anyone wants to, it looks like badly fried and bland char kway teow.

how to sleep like that? =(

eh i shld start filling my calender with food dates. =D

mundane stuff

2006-06-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

it suddenly occurred to me that i am not used to having a proper meal a day. like i had one on tuesday - jerald's birthday, and am going to have one today cuz huixin is here. i will have one tomorrow cuz hanyan and khoonliat are coming down for lunch. and i'm actually not used to it. no exaggeration.

i eat more in my room since hall food really leaves everything to be desired. a typical shopping list looks like this:

cans of sardine
chocolate
cans of tuna
apples
more chocolate
oranges
cereal
have i mentioned chocolate?
breakfast bars
polo
random biscuity things, preferably with chocolate
cup soup
eggs (easter eggs count too!)

gosh if you are what you eat, i wonder what i'd be. one very shrivelled up (too much salt in diet), hairless (ditto the preservatives) chocolate girl i think.

ewww.

i think even then the chocolate amendment to the three second rule doesn't apply.

bah i need bookmarks

2006-05-29T17:06:00.000+08:00

my table's in a huge mess because of the random pieces of paper i have strewn all over, because i have my wallet, calculator, pencilbox, clock and random other things on it, and also because i have a number of books next to chuzzle (i've taken to naming my laptop). which is well and good, and does't bother me at all, except that i am in the middle of reading a tome about the british constitution (which is very very interesting considering the british don't exactly have a constitution. yes. so it's a tome about something that doesn't exist. one wonders how big the book on the universe will have to be)

the point is, i had to mark out the page i stopped reading in the tome. being lazy and anyway not possessing any bookmarks, i decided to use my precious room keys to mark the page instead.

and then i left my room to go to the toilet.

slamming my sturdy room door after me.

did i add that the door is self-locking?

BAH!

my empty bookshelf!

2006-05-26T01:42:00.000+08:00

as i slowly battle with my 2 essays a week, my bookshelf is finally getting emptier and emptier. as testament to that:

the books on the bottom bookshelf form part of the reading for the last politics essay i have to submit! =) yay. the second shelf is purely for leisure(as the pooh and jamie oliver books show) except of course, there's probably a layer of dust on those books now.

2 more philosophy essays to go, and it's nose to the grind, revision time. 6 topics to cover in 2 weeks, wish me luck.

my brit friend sang lao shu ai da mi!

2006-05-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

as a testament to how drunk he was, my brit friend confessed to me how much he missed karaoke in china. =P (in britain karaoke is nothing like how it is like back home. for starters, only losers or drunkards sing.) he then proceeded to holler lao shu ai da mi, quite in tune actually, with pronounciation that would put sheryl (or tim) to shame! (ehhh immunity sought here uh!) hilarious. i asked him if he knew the meaning of what he was singing, he did! cool. i should burn him a cd of my chinese songs one day. he loves fir and jay chou too.

it's lousy english weather nowadays. too cold, too wet (showers really, but annoying nonetheless). my friends (not the singaporeans hoh) can't believe they have to switch their heaters on in summer. conducive to studying, except of course i do little of it. listening to chinese songs, bouncing on my big big gym ball and teasing abiel about his chinese more like it. heh.

holed up in my cosyish room, bundled up with soft slippers and comfortable trousers and all, i'm now feeling very guilty. i can't imagine how the homeless here must feel. no place to hide from the cold, no place to shower, few public toilets to use, no place to keep dry, no electricity, nowhere to sleep. and here i am wondering if i should splurge 20pounds on bath products. my first real econs tute today with my new smashing tutor made me realise - with a thud, how economics is now so geared towards the real world, towards solving problems regarding welfare, towards third world poverty. it's very easy to forget why you're studying when you're preparing for examinations. econs is not a bunch of equations put together in a fanciful way - it has the ability to impact many, for good or for worse. here i am wondering if homelessness if the result of aggressive privatisation and cost-cutting efforts during the thatcher years - or cold cold humanity? i see the homeless everyday, but how often do i actually think of them, or even just try to emphatise? better yet do something to help? isn't empathy something that makes us 'human'? (philosophy here - doing an essay on personal identity this week). or can we actually get desensitized to suffering in general? perhaps the only concrete thing i can do to help is to buy the big issue, or just give them money. i hope they don't use it to buy drinks or cigarettes though. sigh. or perhaps, when oxford has a be homeless for a night thing, participate.

sigh too many jumbled thoughts in my mind now.

arghhhhh

2006-05-14T09:39:00.000+08:00

when my tutors return me my essays i generally do not want to look at the comments. this is especially so for my philosophy essays, since by now i am fully convinced that i will never be able to understand what any philospher is talking about. this is interesting and slightly awkward for me, to say the least, since i have to submit essays every week on topics that are effier and effier. i also think i've gotten to a point where i can't quite care about the essay anymore? for example, for my very first philosophy essay, i was playing bridge at the same time as writing my essay (yes i get demoralized rather quickly).

well i got the essay back, and refused to look at the comments until now, when i have to submit my third essay.

i realised, with much much much horror, that i submitted my uncompleted first essay to my tutor.

considering the crap that was in it (the last 1/4 was the saving grace, i swear)i am surprised he decides to continue teaching me at all!

i shall go to bed now and not think about it.

damn.

some things to do before i die

2006-05-09T15:51:00.000+08:00

1) run a half-marathon (this august!)
2) run a marathon.
3) learn how to swim properly.
4) learn how to bike.
5) do a triathlon.
6)
(natural progression yes?)
7) gobi desert march -- this, in particular, i felt will be a very good pre-honeymoon bonding experience. i think abiel agreed. (and you don't have to run all 252km of it, plus it's over six days)

food for thought

2006-05-07T01:12:00.000+08:00

If Aljunied GRC falls to the WP, it will be 'dismal like Hougang'

After his walkabout with his GRC team at Hougang Mall, Foreign Minister George Yeo warned that if the Workers' Party wins in Aljunied GRC, Aljunied will be 'dismal like Hougang,... in terms of upgrading, physical appearance, cleanliness, orderliness, in terms of level of business opportunities, even in terms of property prices'.

rest of article here: http://www.pap.org.sg/articleview.php?id=971&mode=&cid=23

just take a minute to see this.

2006-05-04T21:15:00.000+08:00

tim showed me this, and it left me shocked for a while.

http://www.yawningbread.org/arch_2006/yax-581.htm
of course, we are reminded, very soberly, that crowd turnout is not the same as support at the ballot box.

gymming running and such

2006-05-04T16:45:00.000+08:00

i've always wanted to blog about gymming. it's weird, i know, and i'm not going to list the exercises i do, the timings i run or anything. just some quirks that happen in the gym. =)

i go for this class called bodypump, which i love -- surprising since i don't like weight training and this class is all about weights. basically at the end of 50mins, you're really quite tired. this is when good music is important. the abs tracks are always very motivational - the instructor's favourite is 'don't cha'. so basically while you crunch away (and wonder why you subject yourself to this torture - i especially hate super-slow) you remember why you're doing this..."don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me". (the class, incidentally is almost entirely female)

and there're some songs that i can never listen to without cringing again. black eyed peas 'pump it' is a hard bicep track. one of my most favourite songs, dj sammy's 'boys of heaven' is a back track. phantom planet's 'california' is a killer tricep track. =S if they start using the killers i might have no use for my speakers!

there're a number of instructors who teach bodypump, i like the female instructor, andrea. if, however, you have a death wish, you might want to go for the classes conducted by the male instructor (jeremy?) instead. i am not kidding. or even go for his circuit training classes! what can happen to me in an hour, you ask. well, to put it simply, he comes in with a huge smile in his face and goes, "now guys, are you ready to ssssuuufffeerrrr? you know you want it!" and here i am, probably the only weirdo in the group who goes "no?"

oh and running. don't even get me started. i am aiming to run the army half marathon this time, and the standard chartered marathon after that. this was what i found on the standchart website.

right. i will tell myself that when i am running in the snow.

fear

2006-04-29T23:48:00.000+08:00

fear is when you're on your knees,protecting your charge from the blades of other ice skaters. fear is when you pray fervently, each time he falls, that no one, no wheelchair, or no sled will run over his fingers. or neck. fear is when he wobbles on his too-tight skates and threatens to pull you down with him, mostly succeeding.

fear is when you read and reread a sentence, and have absolutely no clue what is going on, despite knowing the meaning of each and every word that makes up the sentence. fear is when you decide to wiki or google it and realise that everyone else (aside from your tutor) is probably like you, except they don't have essays due in 24 hours.

i've been reading armstrong's thermometer theory of knowledge for the past two hours now, despite it being only about 20pages long. let's just say, i will never look at a thermometer in the same way again (i might actually scream and run away if someone so much as puts one in front of me). he uses a thermometer as an analogy for his theory, which is well and good, except this time the analogy befuddles me more than that theory does. (or maybe i'm just really dumb?)

fear is when you realise you will be tested on such topics, and you just know you will have nothing to say. (at this point, i must qualify my usage of 'know', otherwise armstrong will protest. i do not 'know' that i will suck at epistemology, i merely 'believe' it. seriously, it's me you're talking about here. philosophy and lixin just doesn't mix.) fear is when you have seven weeks of term left, and probably nothing to show for it at the end of exams. but naturally you won't do badly enough to be expelled, which leaves the (really terrifying) prospect of remaining in oxford for another 6x8 weeks, writing another 48x2 essays (minimum).

at least my maths is all right. (points up to the mental sums i just did)

back to knowledge.

have i dedicated an entry to my speakers yet?

2006-04-26T18:32:00.000+08:00

gosh they save my life! (though probably not my corridor mates')

i'm feeling awfully bouncy and happy today despite sleeping very little. maybe it's because i'm actually bouncing on my gym ball now (i'm starting to get a teensy bit dizzy!) or maybe it's because i've got loud music (weezer, coldplay and green day) on my perfect speakers. or maybe it's because i'm finally learning how to somersault during trampolining.

bop on sat night was absolutely smashing, i've made a new resolve to go clubbing at least once every week if i can help it. there were drinks in my friend's room first, talking about random stuff and me trying gin (tastes much better than white wine). then it was off to the college bar for more drinks -- sambuca and baileys this time. in case anyone is wondering, no i did not even get high, which is really sad, considering i had 4 drinks. the theme for the bop was underwater world, so i turned up dressed like a volleyball player (beachwear lah). i had an "i love oriel" tank on, and some guys who were obviously drunk and topless proposed a top swap. tsk. it was quite funny, and honestly not as insulting as it could have been, so i guess it was all right. the dancing was great though -- my friends and i literally danced the night away, though once again it was kinda awkward with semi-drunk guys around. i tried to "get away" by dancing with one of my girl friends - boy was she shocked. she got over it pretty soon though, cuz she was dancing in a really hot way the entire night.

yes i am a hedonist, that's not entirely bad, it could be worse.

the most telling response

2006-04-19T04:56:00.000+08:00

silence.

it embodies the uneasiness at having to say something, anything at all -- when one hears of bad news. it embodies the quiet anger of having been maligned, provoked -- but when there is no recourse to redress. it embodies the quiet approval of the status quo -- or the lack of concern for it anyway. it embodies the lack of knowledge of what is at hand -- or so profound that words are just not enough. it embodies the surprise at an unexpected visit or remark, and the inability to respond adequately to it.

i remain silent when i read reports about elections in singapore. i've gone to the stage where i refuse to comment on it anymore.

i remain silent when i read some blogs.

i remain silent when i see some people come online, or indeed when i see them.

i could write about the most profound question in the world; i could ask for the reason of my existence, and the answer would be a resounding silence. yet i can be satisfied, because with some things, you just don't have to say anything anymore. you're beyond that, or rather, you think it's so hopeless anyway.

this is why i love my friends.

2006-04-17T05:23:00.000+08:00

since i know i will die if i stay in oxford for too long, i've made a devious plan to leave this place before exams start. 3rd to 4th week of term in fact. being the typical ks singaporean i have to start asking my friends and planning now (instead of studying away).

frosted mirror says:
how about scotland then
diane [in Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song ] says:
i'm going on saturday, to edinburgh
frosted mirror says:
argh!
frosted mirror says:
-huff-
frosted mirror says:
manchester?
frosted mirror says:
nottingham?
diane [in Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song ] says:
cambridge? i can ask yvonne
frosted mirror says:
cambridge is 3 hrs from oxford by BUS! don't do this to me!
diane [in Christ alone my hope is found; He is my light, my strength, my song ] says:
lol, shhh...ok, ok, so cambridge

Editor's note: I suffer from motion sickness.

blog surfing

2006-04-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

i dont feel like doing any work so i am blog surfing. bleargh. i need to get back to rousseau and democracy and tocqueville and liberty and free speech.

argh. i am going to fail my collections and mods and get expelled!

wohoo!

wah my singlish

2006-04-12T15:59:00.000+08:00

come back to oxford liao, then suddenly all my english go down the drain. talk to people on msn use singlish like this, not proper english. some more this is unconsciously done, quite scary leh. if like that talk to the brits how? sure die one leh. maybe it's reading desmond's blog. or this other guy called rockson, who's really damn funny and spot-on, but probably still going to be caught by the govt for blogging about political stuff.

ah must snap out of it lah. sounding like ah lian now. probably should start reading the bbc instead, will help.

err. let's try proper english now. yesterday, zk picked me up from the bus stop, after being bribed into it by abiel. very nice of him nonetheless. i wore a light sweater and immediately felt dumb, cuz spring or not, england's still cold. the walk from my room to his properly froze my fingers and ankles, which is really quite nice for a change. i feel like a wrinkled prune though. my flight here was terrible. thai airways doesn't have a personal tv screen (daddy duped me into thinking there was!) so i ended up watching stuff from the big screen. not too bad, but there was this one show about ballet dancers which was SO BAD it's even worse than the date movie (which abiel and i will emphatically tell you is not worth watching, even if they paid you to do it. cuz you pay for it with your brain cells). oh my dear god, the director must have been pmsing or something, but the show goes like this.

2 oldish guys, one schwarzenegger like (can u imagine him doing ballet?!??!?!) and another really tired looking girl (ala teri hatcher in desperate housewives) practising for this show. the dancing is really quite enchanting, but the show goes like this. happy, smile smile dance dance, suddenly angry or cry a lot. for no freaking good reason. repeat once a minute for the 2 hour show. gosh how angsty can a ballet dancer get!!

and i am a wrinkled prune cuz 15 hours in a plane makes your skin dry up and my peeling's getting worse. i feel OLD. i need to buy a proper moisturizer for plane flights only. industrial strength will be good. nanny mcphee and the producers were much much better.

aiyoh i am not making much sense anymore, ok just to let people know i am back in uk! err. cheers!

so you think you can dance

2006-03-27T20:44:00.000+08:00

since my impending flight to london, i've decided to study less and watch more tv (no tv in oxford la). now i'm watching so you think you can dance, and there was a rather obese guy who was contesting. initially i was so squemish - squealing even, when he danced. terrible of me. then my dad reminded me, "he's trying you know." that silenced me.

indeed, he was trying - trying so hard too. and when he was rejected he was still so polite and nice about it, even though he was struggling to keep in the tears while smiling. oh gosh, it was so heart breaking. you know i always think, nothing matters, so as long as you've tried your best, but it seems like the world is so cruel, and the people in it (me especially) so judgemental. what would he think? for so long he must have struggled with himself, been taunted or teased, and yet he remained confident enough to enter into a competition which he is passionate about. will this kill his passion or make him doubt himself? is there not something that recognises his effort?

for me that jolted me back into reality, and not only made me realise that i am really fortunate and have a lot to be thankful for, but more importantly that i should start to be more understanding. very much more understanding and encouraging. where best to start than at home? my mum cooks and cleans the house every day, but i hardly thank her. i take it as given. my dad works hard, and even works shifts to ensure my brother and i have a roof over our heads and food on the table. they don't even ask for thanks, they just ask for acknowledgement and respect. i think it's not enough to just think, yes i do acknowledge them, or yes i do respect them, but to actually show it.

on a separate note, does anyone have this guy's name? i'd like to know. thank you!

bitchy

2006-03-25T00:05:00.000+08:00

gosh i never wish to have to part with $18 for a cab ride from yishun to bukit batok again. 18 freaking bucks! hello six pounds can feed me for a week can? i am properly annoyed. the driver decided to take the super-convulated route of driving me to bishan, then (oh no you're not lucky enough to get to macritchie and then bukit timah) to the pie (wtf, seriously) and then a long loop to bukit timah. by that freaking time i was pissed enough to direct that driver's every move and turn. it wasn't as if i didn't tell him to go by mandai and then woodlands road, so what on earth is wrong with him!

it's twice the amount i normally pay. ok i shouldn't be bitching about such a (relatively) small sum, but that nice long air-coned route took almost as long as if i took public transport. unker, like that i take bus liao lah. gosh seriously there should be a way for the cab companies to discipline such people. the uncle was nice, but the way he drove - gosh. does he need the money that bad? and even if he does, can i please please please decide who to give it to, like the man who plays on the streets, on the auntie selling tissue paper, and not an able-bodied uncle who is complaining to me about how hard it is to find a job in singapore??!?

$%*%$%&($#(^@@!(@!_!!!!!*&@#*@(@!

and while i'm bitching i might as well have a go at other things that irk me as well. at our age, and yes we are not youngsters anymore, contrary to what some might think, tYpiNg iN aLtErNaTe cApS iS NOT cOoL. in fact it is bloody irritating. so there - whereever it is, on forums or on msn nicks -- it is so passe, so please get rid of it. on smses it is slightly more tolerable, but only cuz you can delete the message after you've read it and processed it in small letters.

bah.

random post

2006-03-20T23:31:00.000+08:00

random thought: it's funny how people visit my blog but don't like to indicate they've been here.

more important random thought: it's funnier, in a sick sad twisted way, how you only realise how important something is when you lose it. blog voyeur that i am, i can't help but have niggling suspicions about some things, but naturally to voice them will be to be supremely sensitive and making a mountain out a molehill. it's just that i always liked drama serials for precisely the drama, how 2 people who're meant to be together will eventually be together, never mind the 34783648736 days spent apart pining for each other, or the 26532 number of girls/guys the other person had to go through to realise that the person he/she left was the one. now being the romantic that i am, i do believe in The One. i also think that it is heart wrenching if someone, anyone, finds the one and wittingly or unwittingly lets the person go. one emotion i hate most is regret - the churning feeling in one's tummy, the sour twisting of one's heart and the continual what-ifs that just increases the self-loathing. maybe loathe is too harsh a word, but you get the idea.

i'm definitely not alluding to my life, it's someone else. whenever i tell my friends, he's not worth it, let him go, or her for that matter, deep in my heart i pray - oh please, let the person not be the one. otherwise i will never forgive myself for encouraging you to let the person go. yet i still have to protect my friend. what a thin line, protection and actually causing greater harm.

perhaps it's this overly-dramatic everything-in-my-life-is-but-a-play part of me that makes me think this way, that makes me prefer drama to the monotony of stability. no one should have to go through such emotions, whether it is but a prickle in one's heart, or chest-stifling anguish, but yet without i always think the story isn't complete.

need someone's happiness be built on another's pain?

1 photo that still makes me laugh

2006-03-17T17:36:00.000+08:00

and the caption? (courtesy of zk and kor) "You should have seen the photo taken 2 seconds after this one."

ah i think i take back my previous rant. =) life is still good.

a different me

2006-03-17T11:46:00.001+08:00

blog surfing always provides me an opportunity to imagine, to reflect. all the what-ifs emerge, and i momentarily toy with ideas of a different life. make no mistake, i am genuinely happy with my life and what i have or do not have, but at the same time i ask myself, if i were given the choice, would i pick my life again? would i choose to be the me that i am now?

it strikes me that since i am reaching 20 soon, i am properly responsible for my actions, in a way i never was when i was young. i especially think back to the significant (in retrospect) choices i made when i was young - too young to understand the gravity of such decisions. the choice of secondary school, the choice of cca in the school - all these shaped me to be who i am today. i often wonder how i will turn out if i went to nanyang instead of rv, joined dance instead of eldds. my image of myself is really quite different - less argumentative, less stand-offish, much more flighty and fluffy, maybe even girly. young enough to be moulded to be anything, really. some things will stay - the temper, the thrill-seeking, ego-trip seeking self, but what of the good will remain?

sometimes i want to be someone else. a person who lives only for the now, not for the future; who lives purely for hedonistic reasons, not for others. someone who parties 24/7, doesn't have a care in the world, someone who touches and goes, drops things as fast as she picks them up. someone who dares to live her own brand of life, rebel against fashion or norms, and just confidently assert herself.

it's a terribly selfish way to live one's life, i know. the worst part is, if i did choose all those different paths, there'd be so many dear friends i will not have met - xiuwen, johnny, estee, yee soo, xingyee, ritchell, jac, mr lim, jere and just so many more. i may still be in hc, but i probably wont be in oxford and be able to meet my terrific friends, and by extension i probably will not have met abiel. or i may still be where i am now, just a very different me. much more daring, experimental, friendly but at the same time more superficial than i already am.

of course now that i am older, i know such a life is perhaps not tenable, and not in my best interests. but there's still a part of me which wishes that i did lead such a life when i was younger (partially absolved of responsibility for my actions, or at least able to start anew).

and here i am, escaping from reality again.

and there goes my bf's reputation

2006-03-14T08:48:00.000+08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Abiel Neo!

Abiel Neo is the largest of Saturn's moons.
Abiel Neo is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
Banging your head against Abiel Neo uses 150 calories an hour!
Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of Abiel Neo in your ear 700 times.
A thimbleful of Abiel Neo would weigh over 100 million tons!
Abiel Neo will often rub up against people to lay his scent and mark his territory.
Abiel Neo has three eyelids.
White chocolate isn't technically chocolate, because it doesn't contain Abiel Neo!
The colour of Abiel Neo is no indication of his spiciness, but size usually is.
Abiel Neo was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.

I find 6) especially informative. it explains a lot. =P And now i understand why i like to eat dark chocolate so -- quite apt actually, since abiel is really dark right now, after standing in the sun so much for his parade. (note to abiel: read number 4! can i finally get those b&o earphones now, please please?)

now before my boyfriend decides to tickle me to death, i shall malu myself too. =D

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lin Lixin!

Lin Lixin is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
Michelangelo finished his great statue of Lin Lixin in 1504, after eighteen months work!
The first American zoo was built in 1794, and contained only Lin Lixin.
Lin Lixin can be very poisonous if injected intravenously.
Over 2000 people have now climbed Lin Lixin, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.
In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from Lin Lixin!
The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr Lin Lixin Head.
US gold coins used to say 'In Lin Lixin we trust'.
Grapes explode if you put them inside Lin Lixin.
The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes Lin Lixin.

unfortunately mine seems to be an ego-boost. hm, the only thing mildly funny is Mr. Lin Lixin Head, which zk will surely point out and laugh and laugh and laugh.

i like being at home!

why oxford?

2006-03-04T06:10:00.001+08:00

cuz things here get so prettily screwed up that you screw yourself up with one-nighters, hang-overs, or get some coffee or coke or speed or something. or you go out dancing the night away, till your legs ache, till you stumble back to your room flop on the bed and miss the next morning's lectures.

cuz i like writing essays about whether the state should restrict offensive speech. and just to make a point, i can say fuck as many times i want, or at least that's the way i am going to argue it. i can't, of course, say fuck ________ (insert noun)because it will diminish their self-worth, but fuck alone is all right. (the key to this is to say the word, and then think the rest you see. then you're not culpable for anything)

i am sick and tired of churning out essays to meet datelines. i also am sorely tempted to turn my entry into an exercise in swearing, because i really believe in what i am writing about! never mind it won't make a difference to the world, never mind it will not change the fact that singapore is ranked 2 out of a possible range of 1-10 in terms of being a democratic country. (guess which is the highest possible score?) as long as i get it in by -- when is my next tute again? oh no you don't mean monday do you?

don't get me wrong now, i like being forced to use my brains. i also like sleeping little, watching no tv, gutting books, skimming through enid blyton asking myself what is the damn argument? i like thinking of the world as solely gray, i like questioning my bloody existence, because you know -- i am doing ppe after all. i also like speaking in this british accent -- it gets you better service in singapore, believe me. and of course not being able to speak fluently in my mother tongue anymore, despite listening (only recently admittedly) to only chinese songs.

8 weeks in oxford is quite the limit for me i think. if i think this term is bad, wait till next term. 3 essays a week -- should be a breeze i'm sure. just one on general philosophy (am i sure i am sitting in my chair typing or am i just dreaming it or dreaming that i am dreaming it?) just one on comparative government and of course how could i forget economics, with the healthy double dose of maths and realism?

i'm really not surprised that 6.5% of the students in oxford take drugs.

i miss each and every one of you...

2006-02-11T13:58:00.000+08:00

i woke up at the unearthly hour -- 4am, to attempt to complete my essay. instead i spent the entire time blog surfing.

there's something very satisfying about knowing that my classmates are all doing well. somehow i wish i figured more in each of your lives right now, but being who i am, being where i am, i do not, and i can only make sure all of you are fine by reading your blogs. what a poor and pathetic substitute. it's sometimes very hard to show that i care -- why that affection all of a sudden girl? especially since i hardly spoke to some of you while in hwachong.

will it be weird if i started all of a sudden?

even for my friends in oxford, in uk, i hardly make the effort to keep in contact. i'm quite ashamed to admit it, but save for a few, i just send the rest the odd invitation to a gathering. why this indifference? it doesn't make sense. i know i care, even if sometimes there's not much in common between the 2 of us. but still, knowing that all of you are all right, not overly stressed, not overly homesick, just generally happy, that is important to me. i don't just want to sense it from reading your blogs, i want to know it, i want to see it, i want to hear it.

will that be weird?

having to confront the truth that i am a really lousy friend just sucks. it seems like the only thing i know how to do well is to take people for granted.

to prove a point

2006-02-07T03:55:00.000+08:00

since i was bored with economics, and since coincidentally i was talking to someone deeply interested in the topic, i looked up what being in the air force involved.

i realised that i can still be a pilot, since the cut-off age is 27, which leaves me just enough time to join the air force immediately after my bond ends. now before anyone tries to strangle me (wth are u doing in the airforce with an oxford degree dammit?!) i'm quite sure physically i will survive the training. and more importantly, i think this is very "me" isn't it? sounds like something lixin would do. i go for adrenaline/endorphin rushes, and other than being a stuntwoman or an acrobat, i doubt anything could be more physically demanding.

i wanted to join the armed forces because i want something both physically and mentally challenging. ok i admit i will hardly be able to exercise the grey matter in my head if i were really in the army (definitely not as much as now), but the mental strain comes in a different form. and i suppose it's also to prove a point. like girls can be as good as guys, even if it takes more effort to get there. it's also to push myself to my limits -- i honestly am not hard enough on myself when it comes to physical stuff, especially the running bit. i always always run at a comfortable pace, and that hardly is the way to improve. i hope this doesn't come off as being sadistic, but i really want to see how much strain my body can take (ideally without breaking down).

having said that i could push myself to the limits without making it my career. i can start training now, winter nonewithstanding, for a marathon at the end of this year. and possibly join taekwondo or boxing. throw in a few bungee jumps, and some rides on a rollercoaster and i should get my endorphin/adrenaline fix for the year, right?

hmmmmmmm...

murphy's law

2006-02-04T19:06:00.000+08:00

or should i title this entry "me the jinx"? i did so spectacularly badly during my logic collections that my tutor emailed me to have "additional practise simulating exam conditions". naturally being the kiasu and sadistic me, i agreed to go through the tortuous practice, but not before whining to my friends that i hate logic and that i may possibly do worse than i did before.

well i just completed the practice, just making the time limit of two and a half hours. guess whether i will do better or not.

i conclude that i am hopeless, at least at logic. if not my tutor gave me a harder paper. whatever it is, i am almost positive i will do worse. the only iota of chance i have of doing better is my tutor's mercy. it's reached a point in which i can still laugh at how badly i will do, because i know the odds are so great against me that there's no use resisting. abit like how all humans are mortal and since i am human, i am mortal. (that, by the way, is logic in action.) being mortal i will die, so there is no point in resisting death.

which brings me to another point, quite unrelated to logic. i was watching scrubs last night, and the very cynical doctor cox's response to modern day medicine is that "it's kept people alive who should have been dead a long time ago." quoted out of context naturally. but it makes me wonder if there is more to modern medicine than we think there is? afterall it seems that our conception of it is that it is purely good.

look at euthanasia. people are opting to die, and if we go by the hippocratic oath, then these people aren't allowed to exercise their free will. modern medicine increases the ability with which doctors can keep their patients alive, and, if we keep our fingers and toes crossed, increases their quality of life. is there a sense in which one should be allowed to die in dignity, and not be put on life support and have one's relatives squabbling over whether you should be kept on life support or not?

having said that, i think that even though most of us agree that we have natural rights, do we then have a right to take away our lives? i know the theological argument is no, because God gave us life, and we cannot take away what we did not ourselves bestow. but when we examine our rights further, it seems to me that all natural rights, like the right to be protected, the right of self defence etc etc, all lead back to one aim -- the right of survival. now doesn't the right to kill oneself contradict entirely the right to survive? it doesn't make sense that for 50, 60 years of one's life one has adhered so strongly to the right to survive, only to eat back those very words when one is faced with a debilitating illness. or maybe it's my mistaken interpretation that it is not merely a right to survive, it is a right to survive,, given a basic quality of life.

i'm no opponent to cloning, but i think that embroynic cloning is really a gray area. should we value an embroyo's life less than an adult's, or think that the game of numbers might play in our favour? if we want to maximise the happiness of the greatest number, then maybe it might make sense to consider embroynic cloning, but is that our golden rule in managing society? i think modern medicine is struggling, struggling to find solutions to the ever increasing number of problems that mankind is facing. while watching the island, i was wondering if there should a point where we surrender to death. when we can construct a mass of cells in our living, breathing shape, and call it our clone, disregard whatever feelings he/she/it could possibly have, is that still modern medicine, or is that playing God?

i used to think the world was made up of black and white, but now i realise there're gray areas everywhere. i'm afraid i must confess i have no conclusion, or no answers to the questions i've raised (quite a poor reflection of me, i'm really sorry), i am still wondering about them myself. for my part, i am wondering if i will really be able to let go when it's time to die, and not just cling on to medicine to live.

2006-01-19T09:09:00.000+08:00

i resolve to not bore the unfortunate insomniac people who decide to read my blog, so i am not going to write about work (gasp!) nor about myself (double gasp!)

as such, the entry ends here!

(sorry i'm tired and i just had to write something, even if it's utter crap. i promise something more entertaining in the not too distant future. =D)