the weather in england is really lovely now. the sun's up, the temperature's t-shirt worthy and the skies are mostly blue. i even went around without my sweater today, and boy did that feel strange. i couldn't quite believe that this is how i will be going around back home - i'm so used to grabbing a coat or sweater now when i leave that it's really instinctive. it's nice though, to finally be able to nip out for something without having to layer on like kueh lapis.

which, come to think of it, i have a sudden craving for. my appetite has not been very good lately, even though i have adapted very well to english food (it's sad i know). sandwiches, even cold ones, are fine by me. some days i even prefer a cold sandwich to hot food! (well the main comparison here is hot hall food, but hot food nonetheless). i like to think that it's just because it's summer, and it gets bright really early but dark really late. how do i know? because i have witnessed 2 sunrises in the course of 24 hours - yes, i actually went without sleep for 24 hours. i woke up at 5am on tuesday morning to rush an essay, and then completed it at 5pm (going to lectures, eating, and generally mucking around), only to leave for a friend's 21st party, return at midnight, and stay up till 430am reading and writing essay no 2. i must say i am rather pleased as it's the first time in my two years that i have been this efficient, but needless to say by 4am my brain felt like lead. anyway, i witnessed the sun rise at 5am, and again at 430am. if i weren't so sleepy i will have felt privileged.

i am going home in another month now. i spoke to my family for quite some time this afternoon, over msn. i realize it's been quite some time since they've actually seen me, and me them. it's nice to see their familiar faces. i was really quite excited at the prospect of going home, i have my little giftbags for my mum all ready, and am probably going to get my father more chocolate or something. i was so excited, i even ran to my room to get the bags to show her one by one. you know, perhaps the first thing i miss about singapore when i first arrived here was the food, but really, i don't even think about that anymore (bak chor mee doesn't make my mouth water), yet it is my family whom i am really keen to see.

i guess i want to say that for many things in life, it's always nice to be first, but i think it's sometimes even better to be last. when i am away, i know my family is the last thing i will miss, because i will always miss them, no matter what i am doing, how busy i am, or even how long i have been away and how much i have adapted to being here. when i was younger, i used to daydream about how wonderfully romantic it would be if my first boyfriend was also my last, and honestly i was rather disappointed when it did not turn out to be the case. thinking back, i feel a little silly, how can one commit when one's 14? and it just is not the case that the first has to be the last for something to be beautiful, to be perfect.

i did feel very guilty when i was here, because i felt i wasn't thinking about my family enough. now, i kinda understand how my little brain and heart work. i bought three pairs of pumps in the same design but in different colours, red, white and yellow, and i mixed it up to wear red/white today. maybe i'm too tired, but seeing red and white, and thinking about national day, i really felt the force of "this is home, truly, where i know i must be". i can never say singapore without thinking of it as my home, i would never be able to say, "i am going to singapore", because i am going back to singapore. well i realize i have contradicted myself, singapore is important to me because it is where i was born, where i grew up, the first country that i experienced, and i know that to me, i can only envisage it being the last.

sigh i sometimes wish i didn't have to scrutinize my thoughts for inconsistencies, it kinda spoils the effect doesn't it?