i'm going crazy!

i discovered this part of me that frankly surprises (and scares) me somewhat.

i like clubbing. as in, i really like it. i like the dancing, i like loud throbbing music, and i can down 4 shots in a very short space of time without getting the least bit tipsy.

in fact, i'm even willing to take a 3 hour journey down to london, on a weekday no less, to go to the ministry of sound. imagine going to a club on thursday night, going there and coming back on the same day, an hour and a half by coach each way. not to mention, i probably have a tutorial on friday which i should keep awake for. but i really want to check out MOS. many people have told me it's overrated, but i still want to go there and see it for myself. especially before i visit the one in singapore! =P

right now the tracks that are playing on my speakers are all dance tracks. i've got boys of summer by dj sammy on repeat mode, and the song immediately after that (if i get there) is a track, 73mins long, from ministry of sound. it's close to midnight, yet i'm still uber hyped up (largely because of the song, but also due to the pulsating subwoofer on the floor).

tell me this is just a phase.

inferiority complex

it hits you when you least expect it. a harmless,passing comment, but nevertheless it slipped under the layers of love and ego and cockiness to taunt.

i am never as good as some people are. not because i'm being narrow in my definition, but that there always will be people who are better than me in every way. breezing through life up till now has made me take for granted what i have, and more importantly created an illusion that i am someone i am not. most times, being able to get what i want has made me cocky and complacent -- getting by work with bare minimum effort but still doing relatively well imbues a false sense of security, and compliments. darn those compliments -- i don't deserve them, and i am in the best position to know myself.

i wish opinions of others could be like water on duck's feathers. they never are. i can be nonchalant, but only if i don't mind the tag, or think in some perverse way it works to my advantage. it'd be so hypocritical to hope that i have more than i am endowed with or already have -- i am lucky to be where i am, and i know full well that, but there's a little evil part of me that wishes God were a little more unequal in His distribution (in my favour).

and these sentences struggle to form some coherent expression, but can't. i myself don't know what i want to mould them to be.

shouldn't there be a satiation point to even greed?

i should stop paying rent

i really want to go club soon. i miss shouting at the top of my voice to be heard, laughing at my cousins' funny antics, the loud, loud throbbing music and the high i get out of it. maxing out the volume on my laptop just doesn't achieve the same effect.

i want to dance. there's something surreal and relaxing about dancing your night away, with no care for tomorrow. beat after beat, song after song, your limbs in limbo. club nights are almost every weekday here -- i am sorely tempted. it's just the part about going out in an unwieldy trench coat, and having to hold it throughout the hours on the dance floor that can be irritating. i haven't yet decided to sacrifice comfort for fashion and walk around in just clubbing attire when it's 10 degrees outside.

and of course there's school tomorrow. though i've been sleeping at unearthly hours lately in tim and zk's rooms, it hardly matters. (also why i should stop paying rent =P)

maybe i should start small, try every club in oxford first before i progress to london, and the ministry of sound.

i realise i'm a city girl at heart. a month in oxford and i feel claustrophobic, my sanity restored only by a trip to london. i've also been tempted to shop and spend money flagrantly lately. it's the freedom i suppose. and the stress. i really should find a saner way, aside from shopping and clubbing, to destress!

maybe the gym will help. or as a last resort actually reading hodges and doing my logic homework. =D