potpourri

been caught up with random little things these past few days. more driving lessons, where i honked at someone for the very first time. my dad was amused. he said "aiyoh so dui lian to be horned by an L-plate". i couldn't help but agree. visit to the dentist, and forewarned about 2 weeks of agony, can't wait. caught the dark knight, and found my favourite character to be the joker, but only because i knew batman would always win somehow.

back at home, time seems to have stood still. my room is still in the mess that i left it three years ago, the bedsheets dusty, books strewn all over. i was so excited when my father mentioned sprucing up the room a little, which in effect means a massive project of packing, throwing, painting, purchasing, building, arranging and remodeling. the trip to ikea really helped formulate some ideas, and i do hope my brother and i have a funky room to share by the end of this week. in any case, even my relationship with my brother seems to have stood still. i am still the sister who does not nag, the sister who prods him to say his ps and qs, the very indulging sister, but i seem to be much more keen for my brother to grow up. alas he is no longer the obedient (abiel might say, subservient) brother, and he seems even quieter than before.

i went to my grandmother's house after prayer. it looked the same. i snuck a quick peek into her room, and her cupboards were all gone. only a large double bed left desolate in the room, as if no one was willing to throw it away, as if this bed was the last thing we have to remember her by. i went to her urn, i shed nary a tear. my grandfather's was beside hers, yet really and honestly most of my feelings were reserved for her and her alone. before, i was shushed by my mother, as i sobbed desperately in her shoulder, you can't be like that, how else can you see her urn? but i didn't want to, i just couldn't really help it. lin jun jie has a song, 会有那么一天, that my cousin's friend sang. well, i was supposed to sing it with him, but as fortune would have it, i had this verse

夕阳西下鸟儿回家
阿嬷躺在病床上
呼吸有一点散漫
眼神却很温柔
看着爷爷湿透的眼
握着他粗糙的手
阿嬷的泪水开始流
轻声说道

我要离去别再哭泣
不要伤心请你相信我
要等待我的爱
陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天
我们牵着手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音
听我说声我爱你

i lasted 4 lines. hiding my face in the cushion i realise that aijia was next to me, heaving softly and aiwei kept touching her cheek. the song rang true, only i don't have the fortune of hearing her speak again.

and seeing my other grandmother again came as a shock to me. she was so frail, so child-like. she lost so much weight, yet i was told, she had actually gained weight. i dare not think of the pain that she had to endure when i was not around. i was happy to see her, but it was the grit-your-teeth sort of happy, because i wondered where on earth i was when she was most ill and needed me most. she has a wheelchair now, gosh my grandma who used to go everywhere and lug heavy things back, she has a wheelchair. i ask when we got it, and she said it was my grandmother's. i am taken aback, very worried, and seriously i hope my grandma has much, much longer. i am back, for good, now, and i daren't leave for too long again lest something else happens. this time though i daren't think of what might happen. you see, i am a coward. i dare not face up to the pain of grief, and pain of losing someone you love, and someone so dear. i look at my mum now and marvel at her calmness as she held me, afterall i bit back my tears throughout because i kept thinking, my uncles and aunties have lost their mother, what right have i to cry if they don't? i wonder if i will have the courage to deal with matters as forthrightly and calmly when my turn comes, when i say goodbye, finally, to my own parents, and to my grandmother.

it is a depressing entry, i know, and i have made myself depressed typing this as well. finished tuesdays with morrie, it hasn't helped very much, though my aunt's words did. and i agree, at least she went peacefully, and she is no longer in pain.

life in uk was very carefree and independent, i agree, but in the end all this comes at a price. some things in life can be paused, left untouched just the way it was when you left it, some others, well. when i said goodbye to singapore i didn't think it was a whole set of relationships that i would leave behind, naively thinking that so as long as the bf was around things will be ok. they were, they were more than ok, but in the end, no couple is an island, and in the end, i think, family and friends together really do complete the picture.

i will try and make amends. you guys will help, won't you? :)