a different me
blog surfing always provides me an opportunity to imagine, to reflect. all the what-ifs emerge, and i momentarily toy with ideas of a different life. make no mistake, i am genuinely happy with my life and what i have or do not have, but at the same time i ask myself, if i were given the choice, would i pick my life again? would i choose to be the me that i am now?
it strikes me that since i am reaching 20 soon, i am properly responsible for my actions, in a way i never was when i was young. i especially think back to the significant (in retrospect) choices i made when i was young - too young to understand the gravity of such decisions. the choice of secondary school, the choice of cca in the school - all these shaped me to be who i am today. i often wonder how i will turn out if i went to nanyang instead of rv, joined dance instead of eldds. my image of myself is really quite different - less argumentative, less stand-offish, much more flighty and fluffy, maybe even girly. young enough to be moulded to be anything, really. some things will stay - the temper, the thrill-seeking, ego-trip seeking self, but what of the good will remain?
sometimes i want to be someone else. a person who lives only for the now, not for the future; who lives purely for hedonistic reasons, not for others. someone who parties 24/7, doesn't have a care in the world, someone who touches and goes, drops things as fast as she picks them up. someone who dares to live her own brand of life, rebel against fashion or norms, and just confidently assert herself.
it's a terribly selfish way to live one's life, i know. the worst part is, if i did choose all those different paths, there'd be so many dear friends i will not have met - xiuwen, johnny, estee, yee soo, xingyee, ritchell, jac, mr lim, jere and just so many more. i may still be in hc, but i probably wont be in oxford and be able to meet my terrific friends, and by extension i probably will not have met abiel. or i may still be where i am now, just a very different me. much more daring, experimental, friendly but at the same time more superficial than i already am.
of course now that i am older, i know such a life is perhaps not tenable, and not in my best interests. but there's still a part of me which wishes that i did lead such a life when i was younger (partially absolved of responsibility for my actions, or at least able to start anew).
and here i am, escaping from reality again.
it strikes me that since i am reaching 20 soon, i am properly responsible for my actions, in a way i never was when i was young. i especially think back to the significant (in retrospect) choices i made when i was young - too young to understand the gravity of such decisions. the choice of secondary school, the choice of cca in the school - all these shaped me to be who i am today. i often wonder how i will turn out if i went to nanyang instead of rv, joined dance instead of eldds. my image of myself is really quite different - less argumentative, less stand-offish, much more flighty and fluffy, maybe even girly. young enough to be moulded to be anything, really. some things will stay - the temper, the thrill-seeking, ego-trip seeking self, but what of the good will remain?
sometimes i want to be someone else. a person who lives only for the now, not for the future; who lives purely for hedonistic reasons, not for others. someone who parties 24/7, doesn't have a care in the world, someone who touches and goes, drops things as fast as she picks them up. someone who dares to live her own brand of life, rebel against fashion or norms, and just confidently assert herself.
it's a terribly selfish way to live one's life, i know. the worst part is, if i did choose all those different paths, there'd be so many dear friends i will not have met - xiuwen, johnny, estee, yee soo, xingyee, ritchell, jac, mr lim, jere and just so many more. i may still be in hc, but i probably wont be in oxford and be able to meet my terrific friends, and by extension i probably will not have met abiel. or i may still be where i am now, just a very different me. much more daring, experimental, friendly but at the same time more superficial than i already am.
of course now that i am older, i know such a life is perhaps not tenable, and not in my best interests. but there's still a part of me which wishes that i did lead such a life when i was younger (partially absolved of responsibility for my actions, or at least able to start anew).
and here i am, escaping from reality again.
posted by colours at
11:46 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home