Ah, it seems like I only like to blog when I am in the library with a looming dateline to boot.

My book, opened to the page on Newbury about missing markets, is not too bad, rather interesting actually. But not as interesting as surfing the internet, in particular reading blogs. Whenever I read one, I invariably want to read the blogs of many others. It just happens. So I've read the blogs of my jc and secondary school classmates, reveling the knowledge of their lives and new found loves, realising that I don't and I mean literally don't keep in contact with any of them anymore. And you can't count reading their blogs as a substitute, like Andre said, if you cared enough you'd talk somehow, and not be a voyeur.

There are a lot of things I wished I had done, one of them perhaps is not to have lost touch with any of them. In some ways, I hate being in a relationship - it's stifling, you spend all your time with an individual and of course are immensely happy, but at the same time you have so little time for your friends - through your own choice. Sometimes I wish I could reverse my decisions and be in a relationship later: seriously you can always find someone for you, but your friends are meant to be for life.

So now I am left with the feeling that I am a horrible friend. Even now in uni I don't really care to make new friends; precedent tells me I will hardly keep any. I struggle to spend time with people I really care about, and MSN is hardly any substitute either. Sometimes you ask yourself if the balm of being in a relationship, of always having someone to talk to, is illusory and harmful, simply because you end up pushing away other people who care about you too.

I miss my time in secondary school, I had fun then, made lots of good friends and was just me. Even then I got chained down far too early. Seriously, 13 or 14? Not a good idea by any stretch of imagination. I do sometimes wish with a fervour that I could go back and reverse all these decisions and tell myself to realistically and honestly assess what I am giving up for something that is as fleeting as a relationship. And anyway half the fun of being in a relationship is in the chase really.

But then I stop, because I am afraid of the butterfly effect. What I basically want is to take away all the bad parts, but leave the good parts, especially how I made some of my friends in JC. Zk you know what I am talking about. And of course in the end I still want to meet Abiel. But then of course that will probably not happen, I am who I am today because of the choices I made, rightly or wrongly so.

Sigh. I miss my friends.