i am not a fan of crying in front of my mother, or airing the family's dirty laundry in public. especially when it is about my grandma. what right do i have to cry before somene who's lost her mother?

but i was so angry. i was angry, and upset. for the injustice that has been committed to my mother, to my grandmother. i have always said i am a liberal yes, that people can go do everything they jolly want to do. but i realised being a liberal has its limits. like i will not risk condemning, yes condemning the lack of filial piety. there's nothing special about that value, i used it to think that it's something that came naturally, as naturally as the need to pee and eat, the ability to you know, feel, but well i guess even on this i am far too naive. there's no guarantee that children you love, brought up and sacrificed something for will repay that love. of course you may not have expected it - it was truly altruistic in the full sense of the word. but that's part of the beauty of family isn't it?

anyway, i was god pissed off because i felt that my mother was accused for something she did not deliberately do, and in any case the subsequent reaction was not her fault. it was moral condemnation by others, that's what. it's people agreeing that what was done was unbelievable, incredible, and perhaps even heartless. she was so calm while i boiled with rage, forswearing ties.

i had said before that i will do whatever i like, and i was so close to forswearing ties, stopping only because i did not want to upset my late grandma. but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to me. respect for seniors can only go so far - and for me respect has to be earned. well my respect's well and truly gone, and in any case i feel disdain, contempt and anger. i hope my grandma did not know, did not grieve in her final days.

ah ma, will you understand?