我发现了新爱-周杰伦。我从没想过他如此有天分- 自奏，自写，自唱。的却很棒。而且，我发觉，样貌长得好不好看多数是照形。朋友说我的弟弟长得有点像小时的周杰伦，我看还差得远了。不过还是有一点点像吧，咪咪眼的，鼻子蛮尖的。他的 mtv 超酷，很有独特风格。我特别喜欢他的中国风，尤其是那些回顾过去的 mtv.

其实，我有很多想说的话，不过真是心有（华语能）力不足。刚听了他的“青花瓷”，又看了歌词，发现我很多字不懂，就算找到了意思还是不懂他到底唱的是什么。我看考完试后我又要埋头苦读了，这次不同在于我时时刻刻的被评定，而且要不要读全在于我。我从新加坡带来的唐诗宋词都还没读呢！咳呀，我真是个懒人。

godless liberals

ah, yes, it's going to be one of those posts again.

so, i think zk and i will readily admit that we are godless liberals. yeah, zk is especially worked up now abt prof thio (i know this is super late. but this is triggered by something else. it's due to the the article i sent him about some pastor from US comparing McCain to Jesus.) ah well, i am a lot less worked up than he is, partly because i skipped most of what (very distasteful and demeaning) things she said. surprisingly for a professed liberal, i have no real reverence for science and scientific facts, so i am not too bothered by her distortions. i tend to think that things can be construed as subjective fact, oxymoronic as that might sound.

but anyway, godless liberals. yes i was thinking how worrying it is that private morality is increasingly becoming public morality, and how morality is increasingly taking a religious undertone. it's the classic worry about the state encroaching on the private sphere - so in that respect, poor bill, and in more ways than one. but i digress. i do think that on issues on private morality the state should not interfere, but that's not understanding the whole issue. the whole point is that the distinction between private and public is eroding, because what one can tolerate the other cannot. issues like abortion we always cite in political theory tutes as issues in which there are fundamentally different views on life that simply cannot be reconciled. a state that has provisions for abortion seems, to critics, to simply be anathema, and vice versa. even if the state has no provisions, so it's neither legal nor illegal, some hardliners (on both sides) will want action to be taken. liberal neutrality is just a smokescreen - the real support is for the status quo.

i don't really think this is a fair assessment of the liberal position though. now, i won't go so far to say that liberalism is the only value, or that it is the value (i am a lot more egalitarian than i am liberal) but i do think that if you agree that there is intrinsic value in the ability to frame, design and carry out one's conception of the good life, and if it important for yourself, then it is inherently inconsistent not to extend the same respect to others. which is why i found thio li ann's position so intriguing. as an academic she publishes papers on human rights and all that, so how is it that some people are less than others? how is that consistent?

while we are at that topic, is it possible for there to be a thoroughgoing god-fearing/god-loving liberal? i think it's logically possible, but then i suspect i might be open to the accusation that i don't understand what religion really means.

actually i am thinking about my own views on things now. i wonder if they are consistent at all. i think after exams, i will have a good think. need to reconcile pornography with feminism (if possible), egalitarianism and liberalism, and of course, at the end of it, with the fine city i live in.

exams, exams

ah, i am now in my lovely sub fusc, with a white carnation proudly pinned on. the outfit is black, and white, and white, and black. the white is quite fitting, to be honest. i feel so nervous, my first proper exam in 2 years, and perhaps one of the most important and hardest written exams i have to take in my life.

it's macroeconomics today. my tutor prepped us so well for this, i will feel extremely guilty if i do not do well. last night i had slight panic attacks, what if the topics i prepare don't come up, etc etc. but no, must banish such thoughts from my mind.

i should reset my countdown timer, to 3rd june. and dream of beautiful new york, germany and morocco.

right, time to go now. wish me luck!

my dream dress.

i am not a fan of crying in front of my mother, or airing the family's dirty laundry in public. especially when it is about my grandma. what right do i have to cry before somene who's lost her mother?

but i was so angry. i was angry, and upset. for the injustice that has been committed to my mother, to my grandmother. i have always said i am a liberal yes, that people can go do everything they jolly want to do. but i realised being a liberal has its limits. like i will not risk condemning, yes condemning the lack of filial piety. there's nothing special about that value, i used it to think that it's something that came naturally, as naturally as the need to pee and eat, the ability to you know, feel, but well i guess even on this i am far too naive. there's no guarantee that children you love, brought up and sacrificed something for will repay that love. of course you may not have expected it - it was truly altruistic in the full sense of the word. but that's part of the beauty of family isn't it?

anyway, i was god pissed off because i felt that my mother was accused for something she did not deliberately do, and in any case the subsequent reaction was not her fault. it was moral condemnation by others, that's what. it's people agreeing that what was done was unbelievable, incredible, and perhaps even heartless. she was so calm while i boiled with rage, forswearing ties.

i had said before that i will do whatever i like, and i was so close to forswearing ties, stopping only because i did not want to upset my late grandma. but the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to me. respect for seniors can only go so far - and for me respect has to be earned. well my respect's well and truly gone, and in any case i feel disdain, contempt and anger. i hope my grandma did not know, did not grieve in her final days.

ah ma, will you understand?