so you think you can dance

since my impending flight to london, i've decided to study less and watch more tv (no tv in oxford la). now i'm watching so you think you can dance, and there was a rather obese guy who was contesting. initially i was so squemish - squealing even, when he danced. terrible of me. then my dad reminded me, "he's trying you know." that silenced me.

indeed, he was trying - trying so hard too. and when he was rejected he was still so polite and nice about it, even though he was struggling to keep in the tears while smiling. oh gosh, it was so heart breaking. you know i always think, nothing matters, so as long as you've tried your best, but it seems like the world is so cruel, and the people in it (me especially) so judgemental. what would he think? for so long he must have struggled with himself, been taunted or teased, and yet he remained confident enough to enter into a competition which he is passionate about. will this kill his passion or make him doubt himself? is there not something that recognises his effort?

for me that jolted me back into reality, and not only made me realise that i am really fortunate and have a lot to be thankful for, but more importantly that i should start to be more understanding. very much more understanding and encouraging. where best to start than at home? my mum cooks and cleans the house every day, but i hardly thank her. i take it as given. my dad works hard, and even works shifts to ensure my brother and i have a roof over our heads and food on the table. they don't even ask for thanks, they just ask for acknowledgement and respect. i think it's not enough to just think, yes i do acknowledge them, or yes i do respect them, but to actually show it.

on a separate note, does anyone have this guy's name? i'd like to know. thank you!

bitchy

gosh i never wish to have to part with $18 for a cab ride from yishun to bukit batok again. 18 freaking bucks! hello six pounds can feed me for a week can? i am properly annoyed. the driver decided to take the super-convulated route of driving me to bishan, then (oh no you're not lucky enough to get to macritchie and then bukit timah) to the pie (wtf, seriously) and then a long loop to bukit timah. by that freaking time i was pissed enough to direct that driver's every move and turn. it wasn't as if i didn't tell him to go by mandai and then woodlands road, so what on earth is wrong with him!

it's twice the amount i normally pay. ok i shouldn't be bitching about such a (relatively) small sum, but that nice long air-coned route took almost as long as if i took public transport. unker, like that i take bus liao lah. gosh seriously there should be a way for the cab companies to discipline such people. the uncle was nice, but the way he drove - gosh. does he need the money that bad? and even if he does, can i please please please decide who to give it to, like the man who plays on the streets, on the auntie selling tissue paper, and not an able-bodied uncle who is complaining to me about how hard it is to find a job in singapore??!?


$%*%$%&($#(^@@!(@!_!!!!!*&@#*@(@!

and while i'm bitching i might as well have a go at other things that irk me as well. at our age, and yes we are not youngsters anymore, contrary to what some might think, tYpiNg iN aLtErNaTe cApS iS NOT cOoL. in fact it is bloody irritating. so there - whereever it is, on forums or on msn nicks -- it is so passe, so please get rid of it. on smses it is slightly more tolerable, but only cuz you can delete the message after you've read it and processed it in small letters.

bah.

random post

random thought: it's funny how people visit my blog but don't like to indicate they've been here.

more important random thought: it's funnier, in a sick sad twisted way, how you only realise how important something is when you lose it. blog voyeur that i am, i can't help but have niggling suspicions about some things, but naturally to voice them will be to be supremely sensitive and making a mountain out a molehill. it's just that i always liked drama serials for precisely the drama, how 2 people who're meant to be together will eventually be together, never mind the 34783648736 days spent apart pining for each other, or the 26532 number of girls/guys the other person had to go through to realise that the person he/she left was the one. now being the romantic that i am, i do believe in The One. i also think that it is heart wrenching if someone, anyone, finds the one and wittingly or unwittingly lets the person go. one emotion i hate most is regret - the churning feeling in one's tummy, the sour twisting of one's heart and the continual what-ifs that just increases the self-loathing. maybe loathe is too harsh a word, but you get the idea.

i'm definitely not alluding to my life, it's someone else. whenever i tell my friends, he's not worth it, let him go, or her for that matter, deep in my heart i pray - oh please, let the person not be the one. otherwise i will never forgive myself for encouraging you to let the person go. yet i still have to protect my friend. what a thin line, protection and actually causing greater harm.

perhaps it's this overly-dramatic everything-in-my-life-is-but-a-play part of me that makes me think this way, that makes me prefer drama to the monotony of stability. no one should have to go through such emotions, whether it is but a prickle in one's heart, or chest-stifling anguish, but yet without i always think the story isn't complete.

need someone's happiness be built on another's pain?

1 photo that still makes me laugh

and the caption? (courtesy of zk and kor) "You should have seen the photo taken 2 seconds after this one."

ah i think i take back my previous rant. =) life is still good.

a different me

blog surfing always provides me an opportunity to imagine, to reflect. all the what-ifs emerge, and i momentarily toy with ideas of a different life. make no mistake, i am genuinely happy with my life and what i have or do not have, but at the same time i ask myself, if i were given the choice, would i pick my life again? would i choose to be the me that i am now?

it strikes me that since i am reaching 20 soon, i am properly responsible for my actions, in a way i never was when i was young. i especially think back to the significant (in retrospect) choices i made when i was young - too young to understand the gravity of such decisions. the choice of secondary school, the choice of cca in the school - all these shaped me to be who i am today. i often wonder how i will turn out if i went to nanyang instead of rv, joined dance instead of eldds. my image of myself is really quite different - less argumentative, less stand-offish, much more flighty and fluffy, maybe even girly. young enough to be moulded to be anything, really. some things will stay - the temper, the thrill-seeking, ego-trip seeking self, but what of the good will remain?

sometimes i want to be someone else. a person who lives only for the now, not for the future; who lives purely for hedonistic reasons, not for others. someone who parties 24/7, doesn't have a care in the world, someone who touches and goes, drops things as fast as she picks them up. someone who dares to live her own brand of life, rebel against fashion or norms, and just confidently assert herself.

it's a terribly selfish way to live one's life, i know. the worst part is, if i did choose all those different paths, there'd be so many dear friends i will not have met - xiuwen, johnny, estee, yee soo, xingyee, ritchell, jac, mr lim, jere and just so many more. i may still be in hc, but i probably wont be in oxford and be able to meet my terrific friends, and by extension i probably will not have met abiel. or i may still be where i am now, just a very different me. much more daring, experimental, friendly but at the same time more superficial than i already am.

of course now that i am older, i know such a life is perhaps not tenable, and not in my best interests. but there's still a part of me which wishes that i did lead such a life when i was younger (partially absolved of responsibility for my actions, or at least able to start anew).

and here i am, escaping from reality again.

and there goes my bf's reputation

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Abiel Neo!

1. Abiel Neo is the largest of Saturn's moons.
2. Abiel Neo is the only bird that can swim but not fly.
3. Banging your head against Abiel Neo uses 150 calories an hour!
4. Wearing headphones for an hour will increase the amount of Abiel Neo in your ear 700 times.
5. A thimbleful of Abiel Neo would weigh over 100 million tons!
6. Abiel Neo will often rub up against people to lay his scent and mark his territory.
7. Abiel Neo has three eyelids.
8. White chocolate isn't technically chocolate, because it doesn't contain Abiel Neo!
9. The colour of Abiel Neo is no indication of his spiciness, but size usually is.
10. Abiel Neo was originally green, and actually contained cocaine.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

I find 6) especially informative. it explains a lot. =P And now i understand why i like to eat dark chocolate so -- quite apt actually, since abiel is really dark right now, after standing in the sun so much for his parade. (note to abiel: read number 4! can i finally get those b&o earphones now, please please?)

now before my boyfriend decides to tickle me to death, i shall malu myself too. =D

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Lin Lixin!

1. Lin Lixin is black with white stripes, not white with black stripes!
2. Michelangelo finished his great statue of Lin Lixin in 1504, after eighteen months work!
3. The first American zoo was built in 1794, and contained only Lin Lixin.
4. Lin Lixin can be very poisonous if injected intravenously.
5. Over 2000 people have now climbed Lin Lixin, with roughly ten percent dying on the way down.
6. In Eastern Africa you can buy beer brewed from Lin Lixin!
7. The first toy product ever advertised on television was Mr Lin Lixin Head.
8. US gold coins used to say 'In Lin Lixin we trust'.
9. Grapes explode if you put them inside Lin Lixin.
10. The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes Lin Lixin.

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

unfortunately mine seems to be an ego-boost. hm, the only thing mildly funny is Mr. Lin Lixin Head, which zk will surely point out and laugh and laugh and laugh.

i like being at home!

why oxford?

cuz things here get so prettily screwed up that you screw yourself up with one-nighters, hang-overs, or get some coffee or coke or speed or something. or you go out dancing the night away, till your legs ache, till you stumble back to your room flop on the bed and miss the next morning's lectures.

cuz i like writing essays about whether the state should restrict offensive speech. and just to make a point, i can say fuck as many times i want, or at least that's the way i am going to argue it. i can't, of course, say fuck ________ (insert noun)because it will diminish their self-worth, but fuck alone is all right. (the key to this is to say the word, and then think the rest you see. then you're not culpable for anything)

i am sick and tired of churning out essays to meet datelines. i also am sorely tempted to turn my entry into an exercise in swearing, because i really believe in what i am writing about! never mind it won't make a difference to the world, never mind it will not change the fact that singapore is ranked 2 out of a possible range of 1-10 in terms of being a democratic country. (guess which is the highest possible score?) as long as i get it in by -- when is my next tute again? oh no you don't mean monday do you?

don't get me wrong now, i like being forced to use my brains. i also like sleeping little, watching no tv, gutting books, skimming through enid blyton asking myself what is the damn argument? i like thinking of the world as solely gray, i like questioning my bloody existence, because you know -- i am doing ppe after all. i also like speaking in this british accent -- it gets you better service in singapore, believe me. and of course not being able to speak fluently in my mother tongue anymore, despite listening (only recently admittedly) to only chinese songs.

8 weeks in oxford is quite the limit for me i think. if i think this term is bad, wait till next term. 3 essays a week -- should be a breeze i'm sure. just one on general philosophy (am i sure i am sitting in my chair typing or am i just dreaming it or dreaming that i am dreaming it?) just one on comparative government and of course how could i forget economics, with the healthy double dose of maths and realism?

i'm really not surprised that 6.5% of the students in oxford take drugs.